Stress = Motivation
The Ecclesiastical Leader
Douglas was struggling to pay his bills. He was a single father with three little children under the age of five. As a Nurse, he made enough money to care for himself, but not in his current situation or with his current pattern of behavior. Douglas wanted the life that he had when he was married with two incomes. He wanted to drive a new car. He wanted a three bedroom apartment. He wanted to order food from DoorDash. Douglas and his ex-wife both worked full-time. Paying for childcare was very expensive. They knew that the children would eventually attend public school and childcare would become free, but right now, childcare was his second largest bill. Douglas was living above his means, and he couldn’t afford his lifestyle.
Douglas was struggling. He went to his Ecclesiastical leader for financial assistance. His leader asked Douglas to write down his budget. They reviewed it together. Douglas’s expenditures were above his means. His ecclesiastical leader gave Douglas some advice about lifestyle changes. He told Douglas that he could downsize his apartment. He suggested that Douglas trade his new car in for a used one. He suggested meal planning as an alternative to ordering out. He told Douglas that subsidized childcare organizations, like Headstart, often do not fill their occupancy limit, and if he submits an application, he may have a chance to get free or reduced childcare.
Douglas thought all of these were good ideas. He verbalized how much he appreciated the advice. The Ecclesiastical leader cut him some checks for his electric bill and rent. He went to the grocery store and bought groceries for him. Douglas was relieved. He felt the burden of his stress fall off his shoulders. Douglas went home, and for the next month, he did not stress about the burden of the bills. The lack of stress left Douglas very unmotivated. He knew that he had a commitment to follow through with changing his lifestyle, but without the motivation of the stress, he put it off.
Douglas’s ecclesiastical leader was feeling a lot of stress. It was his job to care for Douglas. He also had the financial burden of managing the church’s finances. Douglas’s payments were affordable for the church, but only intermittently. He could not afford to take on the payments for an extended period. Furthermore, his job was to help Douglas grow. If Douglas became reliant on the church, he would not grow.
The next month, Douglas returned to the church. He had not followed through on any of the recommendations. Bills were piling up, and it was evident that Douglas was not going to be able to pay rent. Douglas explained his predicament and promised to follow through on recommendations. He explained that he couldn’t afford to lose his rental or have his electricity cut off. He reported that his ex-wife was cruel and she would try to take away his custody if the kids didn’t have a place to live. He talked about his fear that his little children would have to experience the electricity being turned off. He worried that this would traumatize the children.
The ecclesiastical leader listened empathetically. He felt bad for Douglas and his situation. He also knew that unless Douglas experienced stress, Douglas would not grow as a person. The ecclesiastical leader informed Douglas that he would be happy to help Douglas out, but only after Douglas followed through with all of the recommendations that they had previously agreed to. Douglas argued that the recommendations could not be accomplished quickly, and he would surely miss some payments before he could be able to accomplish them. The ecclesiastical leader held firm in his commitment.
The next day, Douglas sent some angry texts to the ecclesiastical leader. He posted some ugly, abstract comments on social media about church leaders loving money more than people. After ranting and raving, Douglas realized that his stress was not going away. He was going to have to act. Douglas examined the plan that he and the ecclesiastical leader had made. Despite having hurt feelings, Douglas had to admit to himself that it was a good plan. Douglas set to work on following through with it.
Douglas did miss a rent payment that month, but because he downgraded his car and meal planned, he was less financially devastated the next month. Douglas applied for a cheaper apartment and subsidized day care. The following month felt less stressed, but Douglas still could not pay for his rent and catch up on the previously missed payment. With his hat in his hand and his head hung low, he went back to his church.
Douglas explained to his ecclesiastical leader his predicament. He apologized for the fit he threw when he didn’t get his way. He asked the ecclesiastical leader for assistance. The ecclesiastical leader helped Douglas work out a budget. With the changes he made, Douglas was able to afford his lifestyle, but he didn’t have any buffer for error. He and Douglas agreed that Douglas would need to find a cheaper apartment.
This time, the ecclesiastical leader did not cut a check. He did agree to coordinate with members of the church to help babysit so he could work overtime during the next two visitation weekends and make up for his rent that he was behind in. Douglas was not happy about that. He did not like being away from his children. He did not think it was fair. He was already away from his children every other week when his wife had his kids. Seeing no other option, Douglas reluctantly agreed.
Not wanting to experience another month of working weekends and missing his kids, Douglas spent his breaks at work applying for a cheaper apartment. Eventually, Douglas was able to care for himself financially. He felt proud of himself. He felt like he was a good father.
Stress = Motivation in Families
Gertrude and Sam were proud parents of adult children. One of their adult children, Susy, struggled to maintain employment and pay her bills. Susy had a little baby named Elbert. Gertrude and Sam loved little Elbert. They didn’t want anything bad to happen to him. If Susy ran out of money to pay her electric bill, Gertrude and Sam paid it for her. They couldn’t bear the thought of little Elbert going through the trauma of not having electricity. If Susy couldn’t pay rent for the month, Gertrude and Sam immediately stepped in. They did not want their precious Susy to suffer.
Gertrude and Sam were not rich. They were almost retirement age, and they were saving for their retirement. Whenever Susy and little Elbert were in trouble, they took money out of their savings and handed it over. This was greatly impacting their future retirement, but they reasoned that their children would care for them once they got on their feet.
Susy had a modest income. She could care for herself on her current rate of pay. As long as she didn’t eat out, go to concerts, or buy expensive clothes, she was able to pay her bills. Money was tight, but she could be self-sustaining. Susy struggled with self-discipline. She frequently called in to work. She didn’t like to cook, and she ate out a lot. When a friend called her about going to a concert, she just couldn’t resist the impulse to buy concert tickets.
Gertrude and Sam had tried to instruct Susy on how to care for herself. They told her that she could meal prep. They suggested that she get in the habit of going to bed on time, so she wouldn’t miss her alarm clock in the morning. They suggested that she find other less expensive pastimes other than concerts. Susy knew her parents were right. She wanted to follow their advice, but she found that it was difficult to discipline herself.
One day, Gertrude and Sam learned that stress motivates people. They learned that if people are stressed, they will be motivated to change. So far, Gertrude and Sam had been very motivated to change Susy. Their looming retirement and lack of funds were creating a lot of anxiety. They discovered that just because they were stressed, it didn’t mean that Susy was. They decided that they would have to allow Susy to experience the stress that she was creating from her own choices, even if that meant little Elbert would have to suffer. Gertrude and Sam called Susy and let her know that they could no longer support her financially. Then they sat back and waited.
Besides the humiliation of asking her parents for help, Susy had not yet experienced the pain of her actions. She wasn’t a very fearful person, so anxiety about the future didn’t really impact her. True to form, she repeatedly slept in late and called into work. She ate out a lot and went to a concert with her friends. When the end of the month came, so did her bills. Susy, having spent her time and money on other things, was short on rent and electricity payments. She couldn’t make either one. As a consequence of this dilemma, Susy called her parents and asked for help. When they didn’t give her money, she made a promise that if they would help her, she wouldn’t mess up in the future. When they didn’t give in, she gave them a guilt trip. She told them that they were bad grandparents for allowing little Elbert to go without electricity. Then Susy made a threat. She told them that if they were that uncaring towards little Elbert, they would not be allowed to have visits with him. When Susy didn’t get the money, she told her parents that they were bad for her mental health, and she blocked them on her phone.
Gertrude and Sam were very sad. Gertrude was devastated. She had spent a lot of time raising Elbert, and she felt like he was her own child. She mourned the loss of Susy and Elbert.
Susy blamed her parents for her hardship. She felt they were very selfish. Her electricity did get turned off, and her landlord sent her a threatening letter. Susy had to work weekends all month, just to try to earn enough money to catch up on her bills. She also had to pay a babysitter, because she had cut off her mother from watching little Elbert. As Susy experienced the pain of her suffering, her motivation to discipline herself substantially increased.
Over time, Susy learned to budget, meal plan, and go to work on time. Gertrude and Sam saved more and more for retirement. Susy eventually started responding to her parents’ requests to visit Elbert. At first, she was hesitant because she still believed that she was in the right. Over time, her heart softened, and her relationship with her parents grew. The relationship never returned to what it was before, but it did return to one of mutual respect and admiration.
Stress = Motivation Logististics
Stress Level Scale 1:
1----X------------------------------------------10 Helpee
10--X---------------------------------------------1 Helper
1 = low stress 10 = high stress
In this scale, the helper is stressed out at a 10. The helper is very motivated to problem solve. The helper wants the helpee to work hard and solve it so that they are no longer stressed about the helpee's problem. In this scale, the helper is signaling to the helpee that they are helpless against their problem and they have to be rescued. Once the helped starts rescuing, the helper no longer feels stressed. The helper is signaling to the helpee that they do not really believe that the helpee can solve their own problem.
Stress is a motivator. When people experience stress, they strive to change their lives. They have a desire to pattern their life in a way that they do not feel stressed again. People are more than happy to give their stress to you. If a person comes to you and they are stressed out at a 10, they are more than happy for you to take their stress off their plate. If you own their stress, you will start coming up with solutions, problem solving, finding resources, doing research, and making suggestions. At that point, you will have owned their problem. You will be stressed out at a 10, for them. The helpee will no longer be experiencing stress at a 10. They will be experiencing stress at a 1. They will have effectively handed off their stress to you. Because they are no longer stressed, they will no longer be motivated to work on their problem. The helper will be very motivated because the helper will be experiencing the majority of the stress. The helpee will nod at the suggestions. They may make comments about plans to follow through, but unless they are motivated by stress, they will not likely follow through.
Stress Level Scale 2:
1---------------------------------------------X--10 Helpee
10--------------------------------------------X--1 Helper
1 = low stress 10 = high stress
In this scale, the helper is polite and listens, but the helper does not own the problem. The helper empowers the helpee to think things through and come up with their own solutions. In this scale, the helper is signaling that they have faith in the helpee and they believe in the helpee's ability to solve their problem. In this scale, the helpee feels the stress of their problem. The helpee is very motivated to fix their problem.