Messages are constantly being conveyed. These messages are verbal and nonverbal. People judge if we like them, based on the messages that we are conveying. If we are constantly criticizing someone and pointing out their flaws, they are going to assume that we think they are inadequate. If we are constantly being sarcastic and joking about them in an unkind way, they are going to assume that we do not like them. If we are comparing them to others, they are going to assume that we think they are less than the people around them.

What’s Already on Their Mind

Some of the people that we communicate with are already hard on themselves. They spend a lot of the day examining their flaws, remembering past mistakes, and thinking about how they don’t live up to standards. These people want to change, but change is often difficult.

Our Impact

When we criticize people that are already hard on themselves, the impact is magnified by their negative self-talk. Our critique might be simple, but if its an additional comment about a subject they have already spent eight hours beating themselves up about, the simple critique is going to carry a lot of weight. Their reaction may be to get upset or feel overwhelmed and shut down.

Neutral Statements

Much of what we say to people is not intended to be negative or positive. It is intended to be neutral. Regardless of intent, the neutral communication is rarely interpreted as neutral. Our communication is interpreted based on the most common message that we are in the habit of giving. If we constantly criticize, the person will interpret our messages in a negative light. If we constantly praise, the person will interpret our messages in an uplifting light. If we argue a lot, the person will interpret our message as being conflictual.

What to Do

If we want people to not overreact and consider our words to be negative, there are some things that we can change about ourselves. We can consider our pattern of interaction. If we want people to interpret our words in a positive light, we need to create the expectation that our interaction will be positive. To create that expectation, we need to be generally loving and uplifting when we are around the person. When we leave a positive note, it signals that we were thinking about them. When we vocalize our appreciation, it lets them know we notice their efforts. If we see them trying to grow, and we point out the times they succeed, rather than the times they fail, we let them know that see them for their efforts and not for their short comings. Going out of our way to use non-sexual physical touch sends messages of connection. Noticing when our partner is struggling with chores and lightening their load is a way to tell them you are on their team. Planning a date or an outing lets them know that they are worth spending time on. Offering a small gift tells them that you were on their mind at random points throughout the day. If we want our spouse to interpret our neutral statements in a positive light, we need to constantly fill our spouse’s day with signals showing that we care.