Peace after an Affair

An affair is a series of lies. Exposing these lies and disbelieving them, is helpful in the recovering of an affair.

Pre-Affair Lies

People do not normally commit atrocities, without first justifying their behavior. The justification, at the time, makes the action seem reasonable. A first step can be to identify these lies, recognize that they may surface again, and decide to disbelieve them. Just because there was poor communication, a change in someone’s body, a lack of intimacy, or anger present didn’t mean that an affair had to occur. There are many ways of dealing with those problems, an affair didn’t fix any of them.

Post-Affair Lies

People like to find meaning in affairs. If my spouse had an affair, it means I am not cute enough. It means I didn’t provide enough kindness. It means that I did not exercise enough. It means that I was not attentive to my spouse’s needs. It is good to recognize your own short comings, if that gives you an opportunity to become a better person and a better spouse. As you are recognizing areas where you need to change, also recognize that your shortcoming did not cause the affair. Your shortcomings resulted in a weaker relationship, but it did not cause the other person to choose to have an affair. Your spouse could have responded to the relationship issues in a positive way. Your spouse chose the affair.

Trust Lies

What exactly is the point of trust? What does it protect us from? When our partner has an affair, it hurts. We didn’t have to worry about getting hurt, prior to the affair, because we trusted them. Our trust made us feel secure. The security made us feel like we wouldn’t get hurt. The security allowed us to relax and not worry.

When we cannot rely on the other spouse to make good decisions, we do not feel secure. The insecurity results in us feeling anxious. We feel anxious because we know that if an affair happens again, we will feel hurt. We don’t want to feel hurt again. We have to find a way to guard ourselves from feeling hurt.

In an effort to feel secure, we tell ourselves lies. We tell ourselves that if we withdraw and distance ourselves emotionally, we will not feel hurt if an affair happens again. This is a lie, because the act of distancing and withdrawing creates pain and discomfort.

Another common lie we tell ourselves is that if we put a tracker on our spouse’s phone, if we constantly call them, if we have full access to their social media, if we control their behavior, we will feel secure that they are not having an affair. The truth is that this type of behavior, only helps us feel secure in the moment. In the moment of time that we are checking their phone, we feel secure. In the moment of time that they are calling to check in, we feel relieved. The truth is that the sense of security does not last longer than a moment, and then we have to check, call, snoop, or coerce all over again.

We like to believe that our spouse loves us and that if our spouse understood how much pain the affair caused; our spouse will never have the affair again. There is some truth in that and some reconciliation. There is nothing wrong with expressing our pain to our spouse. It is helpful when our spouse demonstrates through words and actions that they understand how much pain their actions caused. This interaction of expression and feeling heard is very therapeutic and helps our mind to relax. A mistake occurs if we attempt to repeat this interaction over and over and over again, in hopes that the same relief that we felt the first time, will occur on the 20th or 30th time as well.

The Offender Restoring Trust

The offender can restore trust by becoming a trustworthy person. This means that the offender will be honest when speaking difficult truths. The offender will admit to little misdoings so that the offended will not have to question if a more grievous error is being committed. The offender will follow through on commitments. In gauging the growth of personal integrity, the offender should feel like integrity is growing, if appropriate actions are taking place. The offender should not judge growth in integrity by promises or verbal agreement, these words, although they are nice, do not produce actual growth. The offender should not judge their growth based on the emotional comfort or sense of security that their partner feels. It is possible that one person can grow in integrity at a faster rate than the other person can develop a feeling of security.

The Offended and Trust

After an affair, trust is gone. It might not ever be fully restored. Trust creates a sense of security. A sense of security allows us to relax because we are kept safe and secure from emotional pain. If we cannot trust our spouse, we have to find another way to create a sense of security.

It is often helpful to identify what is the emotional pain that we are trying to protect ourselves from. Does the emotional pain come from a feeling of not being good enough? Does it come from an insecurity about our attractiveness? Does the emotional pain come from financial concerns? Is it a sense that we will not be able to raise our children on our own if our spouse leaves us? Is it a feeling that we are not loveable?

After we know what pain we are trying to protect ourselves from, we will want to formulate a plan that will help us to feel secure and safe from that pain. We will want to place trust in ourselves that we will protect ourselves from that pain. We have 100% control over the decisions that we make. We can develop trust in our own ability to protect ourselves.

If we never again want to feel not good enough, what are the steps that we need to make to ensure that we know we are a good person? These steps will not be getting positive feedback from someone else. These steps might be identifying what the indicators of a good spouse are and then meeting those markers. Feeling secure in this regard will not be dependent on the actions or decisions of another person.

If we never want to feel financially abandoned we need to make steps to secure ourselves financially. If our spouse has another affair, what do we need to have in place where we will not feel financially hopeless or trapped? Do we need to go back to school? Do we need to pay off debt? Do we need to set money aside?

If you are religious, you can place trust in God and what he thinks of you. This is a trust that you can also rely on 100%. Formulating a relationship with God, where you know exactly who you are in his eyes, takes time and effort. It is often not something that occurs overnight. It also requires changes in yourself, changes that you will be an active participant in. You can trust yourself that you have the ability to make these changes. You can trust that God will be there, to assure you, when you are able to connect with him.

You are married to an imperfect human being. The imperfect being might cheat again. It is possible. What will your decision be if that person cheats? You cannot stop someone else from making a choice. You can feel confident that you will get to choose what action you will take if an affair happens again. You can have 100% trust in yourself in regard to your decision.

Healing

The offender will find healing as he/she admits to the wrongs committed. Part of the process will be owning the mistake, without placing blame on others. It will be necessary to make action steps that result in changing one’s character. It will be important to recognize what boundaries were crossed and how crossing these boundaries were the first steps to having an affair. Making restitution to the relationship will take time and a lot of effort. Being patient with the partner’s recovery will also be necessary.

The offended should feel free to express hurt and discomfort caused by the affair. At the onset, it may be helpful for the offended to ask questions about the affair. The offended will find recovery as actionable steps are made to self-heal damage to self-esteem and other insecurities. Steps to prevent future emotional damage by developing a sense of security will also help.

Forgiveness will also be a necessary component to healing. Forgiveness and forgetting are not the same thing. Forgiveness means to let go of anger and malice. We will still feel pain and sadness. We will still remember what the offender did, but will free ourselves from revengeful thoughts and behaviors. We will be free from hate that will haunt us and eat us up from the inside. Forgiveness allows the healing process to begin.