How To Set A Boundary

What a boundary is

A boundary in a relationship is what you create to protect yourself from harm. Generally, a person creates a boundary when they decide that they will not allow their partner or child to treat them any less dignifying than they would allow a stranger.

When a person creates a boundary, they are only creating the boundary for their self. They are not creating the boundary for the other person. For example, “I will not stay in a conversation where I am being yelled at,” is a decision about their self. That person has decided that they will not tolerate being yelled it. It is up to the other person to decide what to do with their life. If they want to keep yelling at people, or stop, it is a decision that they will have to make.

What a boundary isn’t

A boundary is not one person imposing their will onto another. For example, “I will not tolerate you drinking,” is a person imposing their preference on another person. “I will not tolerate being in a home where alcohol is present,” is an example of person setting a boundary for their self. They will not allow their self to live in a home where alcohol is present. They are imposing their boundary on their self. It is up to the other person to decide, what to do with that information.

A boundary can always be accomplished

A boundary is something that you have 100% control over, because it is imposed on yourself. You have the power to decide what you will tolerate and what you will not. You can remove yourself from the situation temporarily or long term.

You can decide that your boundary is a verbal agreement with yourself. For example, “I will always speak my mind in a specific type of situation.” “I will never allow someone to talk down to me, without expressing discontentment.” “I will not agree to something that I do not want to do.” In all those situations, you are 100% in control.

An imposition is dependent on the other person

An imposition on someone else would be, “You must always take out the trash in the evenings.” You can make the request, but until the other person makes the decision, you will have to wait. “You are not allowed to talk to me that way,” is also an imposition. It might be something that you believe in deeply, but unless the other person decides that they believe in it too, it won’t happen. There is nothing wrong with making a request, just know that you don’t have any power to make the person actually follow through.  

If your tired of being treated unkindly, do not allow yourself to be in a situation that allows you to be treated that way. Set a boundary with yourself. If you would rather impose your desire on someone else, even if it is a good desire, you will be subject to the person’s free will.