Time

 The Nanny

The nanny walked into the home. She was clean, well pressed, and confident. She had been hired to take care of the Williamson children. They were a rather unruly pair of children. Not the type of children you see in a juvenile detention, who love to steal and run away, but rather the type of children that exhaust you by their incessant begging and their reckless disregard for household rules. 

The nanny was very good at her job. She laid down the rules. She was extremely consistent. She never wavered in what she said. She followed through with structured consequences in an efficient manner.

Despite knowing their boundaries with the Nanny, the children always broke them. It was a bit of a contest really. To the children, it was an “us” versus “her” mentality. When they could get away with breaking a rule, they felt they had won. When they got caught and paid the price with a consequence, they considered it a failed battle in a larger war. They had a desire to not get caught, but they did not have a desire to change.

A new nanny was eventually hired. This nanny was also very good at being consistent with rules and follow through. She did have one thing the other nanny did not. She had a desire to create a connection with the children.

The children felt loved by the new nanny. She would play games with them. She read them stories. She went on walks with them. They often went somewhere new in town, like a museum or a park. They loved to go on adventures with the new nanny.

When they made a mistake, they paid the price with a consequence, during which time they often felt remorseful. They hated disappointing the new nanny. She had become their friend and they wanted to be on good terms with her.

The children gradually began to see themselves and the nanny as an “us.” When they cleaned up, they cleaned up together. When they prepared lunch, they did the cooking and the dishes as a team. They learned to offer compliments and deter from using criticisms. They loved being around each other. They felt connected.

Time

Tiffany felt like a roommate to Jacob. She and Jacob only talked when they were talking about bills, chores, or children. They sometimes watched T.V. together, but this usually meant sitting in different chairs and scrolling through their phone while glancing at the screen. They had some conversations about the children, chores, or bills, but outside of logistical conversations, they didn’t really talk much. Tiffany wanted to feel closer to Jacob.

Tiffany liked excitement. She loved getting out of the house and seeing new places. She craved adventure. She always felt close to Jacob when they had a shared experience. Tiffany also liked to cuddle. She loved the moments when she and Jacob used to cuddle and talk at night before their children were born. She felt like she could dissolve into his arms. She loved feeling at one with him during those times.

Jacob thought he and Tiffany were doing fine. Jacob felt close to Tiffany just by being in the same room as her. Jacob could feel just as close to her, watching T.V. from across the room, as he did snuggling on the bed. Jacob didn’t realize that Tiffany was so unhappy.

Tiffany had a conversation with Jacob about wanting to spend more time with him. She and Jacob planned to spend thirty minutes together every evening after they put the kids to bed. They talked about putting their phones away, turning the TV off, and touching base with each other. They agreed not to talk about the logistics of running the home during that time. Instead, they spent time getting to know each other. 

Tiffany and Jacob also decided to go on dates together. Jacob didn’t feel a need for adventure, but Tiffany felt like she bonded best when she shared experiences with Jacob. Some of their dates were with the children. Some of their dates were just Tiffany and Jacob together. For Tiffany, the most important thing was that they did something a little different every weekend. She needed a little bit of spice in life to keep herself feeling close to Jacob.

Time Logistics

A couple needs to connect emotionally throughout the week. What this often looks like is 30 minutes a day and a date on the weekend (Lindquist, 2004). This connection occurs in different ways to different people. Some people feel connected just by being in the same room as the other person. Some people feel connected through physical touch. Other people feel connected by going on adventures. There are people who can feel close by going on dates with the whole family. Some people need one-on-one time. There are couples who work on projects together and that creates connectivity. Other couples like to play games together. Some couples simply enjoy sitting on the porch in the evening and staring at the sunset together.

Since every person feels connected in a different way, it’s important to ask your spouse how they feel connected to you. Once you know how they feel connected, the next step would be to schedule a time to make that happen. People often do not like schedules. They feel that the connection should just happen naturally. If it is happening naturally, that’s great. If you are already waiting on “natural” to push you together and it isn’t working, then it would be a good idea to schedule it.

A lot of couples find time to schedule time together before the children wake up or after they go to school. The morning time is great for couples who enjoy a slow, smooth, wake up. This can create a feeling of gentleness and ease about the day.

 The evening time is great for couples who enjoy talking about the day’s events. This can be really great for external processors who need a listening ear to organize all of their thoughts and feelings.

Date nights are a great idea and should be a part of a couple’s life. This can seem daunting to couples who do not have money or a babysitter. Dates can take place in many different forms. There can be in-home dating, dating as a family, or dating as a couple. A date can be worshiping, gardening, hiking, or reading. Whatever variations you use, the important thing is that you feel connected while doing it.