Logistics Versus Emotions

You can depend on your spouse to plan logistics. You cannot depend on your spouse to regulate your emotions.

Overwhelmed

Let's say I feel overwhelmed. I don't want to tell my spouse to help out more so that I will feel overwhelmed, that will make my peace dependent upon how consistent they executed their part of the deal. I want to figure out a way to get rid of the feeling of being overwhelmed by myself.

At the same time, I still want to have a meeting about logistics. Who does breakfast dishes, who is in charge of taking the kids to soccer, and who is picking up groceries? The logistics meeting might help with me not feeling overwhelmed, but because I'm not dependent on it to regulate my emotions. I'm okay if things don't go well.

Emotionally Distant

Let’s say I’m feeling emotionally distant. I can find ways to generate love on my own. I can grab the opportunity to snuggle when it arrives. I can write a love you note on the bathroom mirror. I can buy my spouse a plant on the way home from work. I can make my spouse’s favorite breakfast food.

At the same time, I can schedule the logistics of dates and evenings couple times. Because my love isn't dependent upon the dates going well, I will be okay if things don't go right. Because I am regulating my emotions independently of the logistics, I am not pressuring my spouse. This creates a calmer environment. I am also not feeling a need to meet an expectation.

Bored

If I am bored with life and I am waiting for my spouse to cultivate a zeal for fun, within my favorite genre of excitement, before I take action, I will likely be waiting a long time. I can choose to carve out my own time to enjoy my zest for life. This doesn’t have to take away from the marriage.

Logistically this takes a lot of planning. I need to coordinate time for myself, my job, my children, and my spouse. This involves me and my partner communicating and planning together. There may be times when my partner will want to join me and participate in my hobbies. I may want to join my partner in their hobbies too. I don’t have to love the hobby. I just need to love spending time with my partner. Because I am already satisfying my own need for fun, I will likely be better at planning logistics. I won’t feel used, when it’s my turn to stay home with the chores. I won’t feel neglected when I go along with my spouse to their hobby. By taking care of myself, I will feel energized so I will be a better parent to my children.

Anxiety

I cannot expect my spouse to be able to anticipate everything I will feel anxious about. If I am constantly feeling anxious about a variety of different things, I cannot make a running list of things for my spouse and I to avoid. This is especially true if I am experiencing anxiety in a variety of contexts.  To make anxiety go away, I need to face it head-on.

I can work out logistics with my spouse about how we can face the anxiety as a team. I don’t want to depend on my spouse to regulate my emotions, but it is okay for my spouse to be by my side. This is akin to cheering a toddler on while they are learning to walk, versus the toddler not attempting to walk and demanding that you carry them everywhere. Logistically, I can ask my spouse to let me know about upcoming changes in our schedule that I may not be aware of. I can schedule planning meetings. I can hold my spouse’s hand as I face something difficult. I can cuddle with my spouse as I cry. I can hold myself accountable by informing my spouse that I’m going to face a fear. I can do a lot of things logistically with my spouse, I just cannot expect my spouse to be able to remove the anxiety. This I have to do myself.

Depression

My spouse cannot actually get rid of depression for me. Comfort and validation can feel good in the moment, but it doesn’t lift the feelings of depression. I have to conquer this on my own. Lifting depression requires action on my part. I have to change my thinking habits. I have to change my behaviors. I have to let go of expectations. My spouse cannot do any of those things for me.

Logistically, there are a few things that I will need my spouse for. I will need to plan time for self-care. This will require a planning meeting, especially if we have children. I will need to work on tasks that have piled up. This will require coordination since we occupy the same space and share our finite resources of time and money. As with anxiety, I can cuddle with my spouse when I am feeling sad. I can talk my problems out and explore solutions. I just cannot expect my spouse to make my depression go away. This requires actions on my part.