Focus on You

“Be the change you wish to see in the world”

- Mahatma Ghandi

Self as a Catalyst

Although it is true that changing yourself can be a catalyst for change in your spouse and your marriage, working on yourself with an eye single to another person’s behavior, will result in frustration and often failure. If you focus on yourself and work on becoming the person you want to be, with your eye single to your own change, you will be successful. You will feel less frustrated, because you will only be focusing on something that you have power over. You will feel more patient, because you will not be impatiently waiting for the other person to change. You will have less animosity in your heart, because you will not be focusing on reasons why the other person hasn’t started the same self-work that you are starting.

Coercion

Since the beginning of time, love has not been won through coercion. This is an obvious statement, yet coercion is often justified. There are many common coercive statements that have become a part of everyday language. “You know how much it means to me if you do this chore, the fact that you are not doing this chore means that you do not love me.” “My needs are not being met; you need to meet them.” “I cannot love you, until you fill me up with love.” The statements sound logical. In a loving marriage one spouse does love the other person. One spouse does provide acts of service. The illogical part of the statements lies in the fact that one person is seeking to gain that love through coercion. Anyone that has tried this knows that results are often come grudgingly and last for only a fleeting moment.

Positive Focus

Most people start working on themselves by learning to focus on the positives. They practice focusing on the positives in themselves. They focus on the positives in the world around them. They focus on the positives in others. They practice being patient with themselves and others. They start honing in on their skill for regarding others. They practice caring. This results in feelings of gratitude and happiness. It feels good to be a happy person.

Acts of Kindness

People who are focused on gathering in love from others report that they feel a great emptiness inside. It is a strange phenomenon that successful love gathering is a result of successful love giving. Think about your children. Most people would die for their children, yet their children are often self-centered and do not give love. The love that people feel for their children was a result of countless hours of giving and self-sacrifice. Giving, without the expectation of getting something in return, results in the experience of love.

Affirming Words

People will spend countless hours looking at themselves in the mirror and telling themselves positive affirming words, with little results. People who spend countless hours being a mirror for those around them, and reflecting back the light that they see, see instant results. We can recognize our own value, but we cannot give ourselves value. To have value, we need to be valuable. Our value does not come from how others see us. Our value comes from our we see ourselves. If we do not recognize value in ourselves, then we need to become something that we deem as valuable. If we value affirming words, we should be someone who affirms. Then we can recognize that we have become something that we value.

Being the Change

We recognize what attributes are good and what attributes are bad. When we feel bad, it does not help us to demand that our spouse embodies good attributes. If our spouse embodied good attributes, then our spouse would feel good. If we wish to feel good, we need to embody the attributes that we know will create a vessel for happiness.