Assigning Meaning

The Detective

The junior detective walked to the crime scene. The first thing he did at every crime scene was to decide who was guilty before he examined the evidence. He felt like this made the case solving move more quickly. The junior detective would look at the suspects, let his “gut” tell him who did the murder, and then match the evidence accordingly.

The senior detective approached the crime scene differently. He took time to clear his mind of all suspicions. He wanted the evidence to help him rule out who was guilty and who wasn’t. He learned a long time ago that his assumptions could result in wrongful accusations, which can be damaging to a person’s life.

The junior detective always made up his mind about the suspects before he interviewed them. He asked leading questions like, “Didn’t you do this because…” and “Isn’t this what you were thinking?” He was so certain that he was correct that he would often dismiss the suspect’s statements if they didn’t fit his preconceived narrative.

The senior detective took time to clear his mind of preconceived ideas, prior to interviewing people. He gave the suspects time to explain themselves. He listened to them and asked questions. When something didn’t sound right, he asked the suspects to explain further. He noticed that when he was open minded, the suspects talked more. They felt more relaxed around him and they divulged more information.

The junior detective moved very quickly. He was a very stubborn man and he stuck to his preconceived notions. He put a lot of people in jail, but they were usually released after trial. The junior detective thought that the system was corrupt. He was certain that his gut instinct was always correct.

The senior detective moved a lot slower. He took his time. He listened. He asked questions. He did not make assumptions. He waited until he ruled out all other possibilities before he settled on the possibility that couldn’t be ruled out. His accuracy rate was very high. He had the trust of everyone in the community.

Not Assigning Meaning

Tiffany had a lot of things go wrong. Her boss wrote her up for missing a scheduled shipment. She forgot to pick her daughter up from school and the principal ended up calling her. She didn’t wish her sister a happy birthday and her sister thought that she was mad at her. Tiffany walked into her house feeling defeated. She wanted nothing more than to crawl into a dark hole and disappear.

Jacob, on the other hand, was feeling really good. He had several positive experiences and he was excited to share them with Tiffany. When Tiffany came home, Jacob immediately grabbed her waist and moved in for a big kiss. Tiffany responded by pushing Jacob away and quickly scurrying towards her room.

Jacob immediately felt rejected. The meaning he assigned to Tiffany’s actions was that she did not like him. He assumed that Tiffany was upset at him. He felt that she had no reason to be upset at him and he was tired of Tiffany’s pettiness.

After an hour of crying to herself, Tiffany came out of her room. She looked around the house and started taking in a mental note about what chores had to be completed. She wanted so badly to go to bed early, but there were still a lot of chores left to get done.

Tiffany made her way to the dishwasher only to see that the dishes had been lazily set inside. There would not be enough room for the dirty dishes yet to be loaded if she didn’t repack the dishwasher. Frustrated, she thought about how repacking the dishwasher will slow her down resulting in her being behind on cooking, which will result in her being behind on getting the kids to bed, which will result in her being behind on getting herself to bed. She really needed to go to bed. Begrudgingly she took the dirty dishes out of the dishwasher, noisily placed them on the counter, and then turned to reload the machine.

Jacob watched Tiffany from the kitchen table, where he was helping the children with their homework. He assumed that Tiffany’s actions meant that she was upset with him since he had partially loaded the dishwasher. Jacob thought that it was silly that Tiffany would get so upset over a couple of bowels in the dishwasher. He assumed that Tiffany just didn’t like him.

Later that night, after the kids had been put to bed, Tiffany was still reeling with feelings of failure. She stumbled to her bed, hoping to cuddle with her husband. She really wanted some comfort.

Jacob was also reeling, but not with feelings of failure. He was very agitated. He had assumed that Tiffany had rejected him at the front door when all he wanted was a kiss. He further assumed that Tiffany was mad at him, simply because he didn’t load the dishwasher the way that she did. Jacob had spent the evening thinking about all the times Tiffany had acted petty towards him. He wanted nothing but distance between him and Tiffany.

When Tiffany went to bed, Jacob stayed up in the living room, watching T. V. from his chair. He felt he needed space from her. Tiffany assumed that Jacob wasn’t interested in her. She thought about how everyone had been upset with her that day and she started thinking that she was the common problem in all of the scenarios. Feelings of worthlessness and failure started to creep into her mind.

By the time Jacob came to bed, Tiffany had been crying to herself for about an hour. Jacob, feeling cold toward her, didn’t look at her and didn’t notice her puffy eyes. He simply crawled into bed and distanced himself from Tiffany with his back towards her. Jacob was certain that Tiffany didn’t like him and it was because she couldn’t let the little things go. Tiffany was certain that Jacob, and everyone else, saw her as being worthless. Neither person wanted to ask if they had assigned the correct meaning to the other person’s nonverbals or if they had made erroneous assumptions.

Assigning Meaning Logistics

A person’s nonverbal action doesn’t actually mean anything. It is an action that is being performed. We determine what it means when we assign it meaning. According to Eric Barker (2022), our accuracy at reading the thoughts of our spouse is so low that it is actually lower than chance.  This means that the margin for error is so large that our accuracy for assigning meaning is worse than if we flipped a two-sided emoji coin. We are 100 percent accurate in assessing what our spouse’s nonverbals mean when we ask our spouse what their nonverbals mean.

Broadly speaking, we have three basic options when determining the meaning of a person’s nonverbal expressions. We can decide that the meaning is positive, or negative, or we can not assume any meaning. The meaning that we assign often becomes confirmed by our spouse’s reaction.

If we assign a negative connotation, we will respond to that negative connotation in a manner typical of our reaction to negativity. This reaction is a signal to our partner that we are being negatively reactive. Our partner will in turn respond in a negative way, which will confirm, in our mind, that we were correct to assign a negative meaning. This in turn gives us a false assumption that our accuracy in assigning meaning is correct.

If we assign a positive meaning, we will respond to the nonverbal in a positive way. Our positive demeanor will likely trigger a positive response. Their positive response will trigger a positive response in us. Both partners will likely assume they are correct in their ability to accurately assign meaning.

Of course, people are not machines. Input doesn’t always equal output. People are also infinitely more complicated than two possible outcomes. Oftentimes people are not even aware of what they are feeling or that they are putting off strange nonverbals until we ask them. Our best approach is to ask our spouse what their nonverbals mean.

Asking our spouse about the meaning behind their nonverbal communication is helpful for a number of reasons. For one, it helps us catalog what our spouse’s nonverbal signs are. Of course, the signs might not always be accurate, so it’s important to continue to ask for clarification.

Asking our spouse questions about what they are feeling also helps our spouse understand themselves. Our spouse may not know what they are feeling. People often don’t. Giving our spouse a listening ear can help them feel loved and validated.

When we ask our spouse about what they are feeling, we get the opportunity to learn more about how our spouse thinks and understands the world. This helps us develop empathy towards our spouse, which decreases resentment in us.

As we get to know our spouse intimately, our spouse will feel heard. As we listen with compassion, our inquisitive mind can be a catalyst for the development of love and connection. When someone knows you at your core and they still love you, a bond develops.