Pursue and Withdraw Patterns

     In a relationship there is a “pursuer and withdrawer” pattern that often occurs. The pursuer will feel like there is something wrong in the relationship. The pursuer will work very hard to fix the relationship. He will do so in a way that results in the other person feeling smothered or controlled. When this happens the withdrawer will move away from the pursuer to get space. As the withdrawer moves away, the pursuer will notice a distance in the relationship. The pursuer will push harder to fix the relationship. This will result in the withdrawer feeling even more smothered and moving away even farther.

     There are ways for the pursuer to work on the relationship without the withdrawer feeling smothered or wanting to withdraw. The pursuer can feel free to express affection through words and deeds, as long as the pursuer doesn’t do anything to restrict the withdrawer’s freedom to choose. Examples of non-restricting statements are, “ I love you,” “I was thinking about you,” and “I appreciate you.” Examples of choice restricting statements are, “I’m doing all the work, you need to work too.” “I am so depressed, if you would love me back I would feel better.” “ You need to give us another chance.” Examples of non-restricting actions are doing chores without requiring anything in return, leaving love notes, and being an empathetic listener. Examples of choice restricting actions are doing chores and demanding that the other person be thankful, leaving love notes and becoming upset if the other person does not notice or respond, and telling the other person how they should think.

     The pursuer can hope to heal the relationship by healing himself. The pursuer can work on personality flaws and relationship flaws on his side of the relationship. The pursuer can work on finding a feeling of peace and happiness within himself.  A person becomes very attractive when they are peaceful and happy. The more a person demonstrates that they can be at peace without requiring their partner to change first, the less pressure the partner will feel.

     If the withdrawer is still interested in staying in the relationship, then the withdrawer can create connection with the pursuer in order to heal the relationship. Everyone experiences connection differently. Some people feel connected through one-on-one dates. Some people feel connected through conversations. Some people crave going on adventures together. Some people connect as they do chores together. One person may need more connection time than another. It is helpful to pay attention to how much time your spouse needs in order for the relationship to feel solid for both people.