Compliments to Criticism Ratio

People communicate many messages, both verbal and nonverbal, that have ambiguous meanings. These messages are interpreted, based on past interactions. If a parent constantly criticizes a child, the child is likely to interpret ambiguous messages as a criticism. If a parent is constantly praising and complimenting a child, the child is likely to interpret ambiguous messages as praise.

Many parents grew up in a home where sarcasm was present. They learned to connect with family through the use of little sarcastic comments. Sarcasm can be funny because it has an element of wit to it. Sarcasm doesn’t do anything to build people up. It is not within the nature of a sarcastic comment to be uplifting. Sarcasm does have an element of criticism. The intent is for the hearer to be dismissive of the criticism. Regardless, for sarcasm to work, it has an element of criticism or disdain.

Ambiguous messages happen constantly. A parent, who sits on the couch, sends an ambiguous message. The message can be interpreted as neutral. “It looks like dad is tired.” The message can be interpreted negatively. “Dad doesn’t want to sit by me, he sat on the other side of the room.” The message can be interpreted positively. “Dad’s sitting down, that means I can sit next to him and cuddle him.”

The fact is, Dad probably didn’t intend to send any message when he sat down. He just sat down. If the common interaction between Dad and the child is negative, neutral messages will be interpreted as negative. If the common interaction is positive, neutral messages will be interpreted as positive.

Problems compound when negative interpretations create negative reactions. The parent can verbalize a neutral message. “Stay safe out on the road tonight.” The adolescent can interpret the response as negative and then react in an equally negative manner. “You always think I drive bad; you don’t trust me!” This has the potential of creating an equally negative response from the parent. The subsequent back and forth of negative interactions have the potential of reinforcing the idea that the parent’s neutral comments, do indeed, have negative intent.

On the flip side, if the adolescent is prone to hearing compliments, then a neutral comment can be compounded positively. “Stay safe out on the road tonight.” Can be interpreted as a comment that indicates care and concern for the wellbeing of the adolescent. In this case, the adolescent might respond, “I love you too!” The adolescent will decide the meaning of a comment, based on what comments usually mean.

Poor Example:

            Coby was very proud of his boys, but he didn’t often tell them. He frequently thought about it in his head. When he saw the boys work hard in the yard, his thoughts turned to pride. When his boys made the winning goal, he beamed inside. If his kids got good grades in class, he smiled to himself. He didn’t verbalize it, but he was very proud.

            Coby liked to joke around a lot. He teased the boys constantly. Sarcasm was a type of humor that he grew up with. Coby thought of it as part of his personality. His boys picked up on that and were usually sarcastic as well. It became a way of communicating at home.

            Coby did not like it that his boys were so defensive all the time. He could say something simple to them, and they would immediately respond with defensive tones. Coby wanted to have simple conversations, without his boys constantly jumping to the conclusion that he was upset with them.

Good Example:

            Bob thought he had some very amazing boys. He always beamed with pride, when he saw them make accomplishments in sports or in school. He loved it when they did their chores and their homework on time.

            It was difficult, at first, for Bob to get in the habit of verbalizing the appreciation that he already thought in his mind. It took time to get into the rhythm of putting into words his proud feelings of his boys, at the time he felt it. Bob isn’t one for being fake. He didn’t want to ever give false praise, but he did want his boys to know what was going on in his mind, whenever he was proud of their actions.

            Bob grew up around sarcasm. He worked in an environment where sarcasm was common place. He figured that sarcasm can wear on a person. It starts off as funny, but heard to often, it can be taken to heart. Bob worked hard to get rid of the habit of sarcasm. He figured that it was a part of his language that he could do without.

            Bob enjoyed the warm way that his children usually responded to him. When he gave his children correction, it was understood that it came from a place of love. Correction was usually followed up with statements of love, to reinforce the positive interpretation of the message.

            Bob worked very hard in expressing positives that he felt for his boys, as they came to his mind. Sometimes, Bob had a bad day and didn’t feel like interacting. He was reclusive on those days. When Bob was reclusive, his boys did not interpret that as a negative message about them. They interpreted it as a neutral message. They did this because, during all other interaction, Bob had conveyed messages of love.