Consequences

A child has two paths to take when dealing with stressors.
The easy path = anger, lying, blaming
The hard path = emotional regulation
The point of the consequence is to make the easy path less desirable.

Method of Delivery

The consequence should not be given out of anger. It should be given out of love. Just as the police officer doesn’t have to be angry when he writes a ticket, a parent doesn’t have to be angry when they give a consequence. A parent can give a consequence with a calm and loving demeanor, and it is still effective.

Duration

The shorter the child’s attention span, the shorter the consequence should be, especially if the consequence is going to be used multiple times in the day. A consequence that lasts for a full day can only be used once a day. If the undesirable behavior is exhibited 20 times in a day, then a consequence that can be used 20 times is more useful than a consequence that can be used once.

Out of Sight Out of Mind

If an item is taken away, a person with ADHD will often forget about the lost item as soon as it is gone, unless, of course, that item is part of their hyperfocus. It is much more effective to have the ADHD child do a consequence than lose an item. Examples are: doing push-ups, washing a window, cleaning a baseboard, folding laundry, and writing sentences.

Severity

“It is not the severity of the consequence but the surety that it will come,” Judge Issac Parker
The point of the consequence is not to give something so egregious that the behavior will forever be avoided. The point is to create a reminder that the wrong path was given. You can keep your consequences quick and easy.

Escalating

Escalating consequences are useful for escalating behavior. For example, a consequence can be given for not following a cue. A secondary, more severe consequence can be given if the child escalates to verbal or physical aggression.

Cue

A cue is given each time the parent gives the directive. The cue is a marker that indicates that this directive will have a consequence that follows, if the directive is not complied with. A cue could be 1..2..3. It could be saying the child’s middle name. It could be putting your hand on the child’s shoulder and looking them in the eye. Although it is common, it is NOT a good practice to use a raised voice as a cue. https://youtu.be/vhhqxMBN0hM?si=Z6zOEELM2PDjz7Rp

Escalated Emotions

While a child is escalated, it is not a good idea to talk to them. You don’t want to get in a power play with them. You don’t want to give the consequence during that time. Wait until they are calm, and then give a consequence.

Conversations

Lecturing isn’t helpful. If you decide to have a conversation with your child, do so after the consequence is completed. Having a conversation with your child prior to the consequence can inadvertently create a reinforcement of the child’s behavior. The child may get reinforced by you offering love in response to an outburst, or the child may get reinforced through the exhilaration of getting into a yelling match with their parent. The child may also be the type that needs space to calm down, and you talking to the child doesn’t offer the needed space.

Compassion

Compassion is a controversial topic. On one side of the spectrum, people claim that a child should be given compassion while the child is escalating.  On the other side of the spectrum, people say that compassion should never be given, even after the child is calm. I will frame the debate this way. A parent is training a child how they are to behave in their future marriage. If you are expecting your child’s future spouse to calmly and lovingly talk to and reason with them, while they are screaming and name-calling, then that is how you should engage with your child. If you are expecting your child’s future spouse to walk away when anger is spewed, then you should either send your child to a time-out or walk away yourself. If you are expecting your child’s future spouse to show compassion and love, when your child expresses sadness, discomfort, or anguish in a calm voice, then that is when you should engage with your child.

Love

The parent should be loving and kind while walking away during escalation and when giving the consequence after escalation. I absolutely believe that once the consequence is completed, the parent and the child should show an outpouring of love and compassion towards each other. Consequences are never about a division between the parent and the child.