The Cashier

The cashier woke up that morning. She dawned her vest, put her pins on, and headed out the door. She was happy as she whistled a tune on the way to work. The cashier genuinely enjoyed people. She was happy to be a part of the lives of others.

The customers enjoyed talking to the cashier. She always had something positive to say. Whenever they saw her, they knew she would give a sincere compliment or smile. The customers found themselves drawn to her. They happily waited to see her, even if it meant standing in the longest check-out line.

The cashier was like all humans. She had her up and down days. Sometimes she felt alive and energetic. At other times she felt low and solemn. During her solemn times, she wouldn’t start her day by giving compliments to others. She would start her day with a neutral expression and neutral interactions. These neutral interactions would be interpreted in a positive light by her customers. To them, the cashier was associated with positive memories. This positive association would skew the customer’s interpretation to a positive perception. Even if the cashier was uncharacteristically quiet that day, the customers still saw her as a warm and loving person. The customers would respond to her in a warm way, which would in turn generate a warm response from the cashier, confirming their positive association once again.

The cashier would often walk home feeling tired but positive about her job. People treated her well. Her return customers were very kind to her. She felt like her belief in people was not misplaced. She loved seeing her customers and the compliments she gave them were heartfelt.

The customers loved the positive experience of being around the cashier. Even if inflation was up or crowds were stressful, the end of their experience was always a little brighter when they walked through the checkout. When given a choice of stores, the customers would pick the little market where their cashier would be there to greet them.

Positive Probability

Jacob didn’t like it that Tiffany was always interpreting his words in a negative light. She was always taking offense when he wasn’t intending to be offensive. Jacob wanted her to realize that he really did have good intentions towards her.

Jacob started leaving notes around the house that were uplifting. He wanted to leave something Tiffany could keep and reflect back on if she ever questioned how he felt. He wanted Tiffany to know he was thinking of her, even when she wasn’t around.

Jacob knew that Tiffany tried to be a good wife and a good mom. He knew that she constantly put in effort. She failed from time to time and she was often hard on herself when she did. Jacob wanted her to know that he recognized her efforts and appreciated them. He started acknowledging her efforts.

Tiffany assumed that Jacob only wanted to touch her when he was interested in sex. She assumed that Jacob just saw her as a human sex toy. Jacob wanted her to know that he touched her to feel close to her, not for sexual gratification. He started hugging her, kissing her, and sitting next to her on the couch.

It was important to Jacob that Tiffany knew he was thinking of her throughout the day. Jacob accomplished this by bringing small gifts home from the store from time to time. The trinkets were never expensive, but the price wasn’t what mattered. The point of the trinkets was to demonstrate that Jacob had thought of her during the day. He had thought of her long enough to stop by a store and buy her a balloon, card, mug, or smoothie.

Jacob constantly thought wonderful things about Tiffany, but he was out of the habit of verbalizing the positive things he thought. He practiced verbalizing the positive thoughts he had about her. As he did this, he thanked her for little things that she did and complimented her abilities.

Over time, Tiffany started assuming positive connotations when he texted her or made neutral statements. If he did mess up, these errors were easily overlooked. Tiffany knew he was on her side.

Positive Probability Logistics

As previously stated, the brain works in probability. If the last few interactions with your spouse have been positive, then the brain will start interpreting neutral interactions with positive intent. Before people will start interpreting neutral statements in a positive light, they need to experience significantly more positive interactions than negative.

If a person grew up in a hostile environment or if their previous relationship was hostile, then that person would have spent many years hearing about how they are worthless. If a person is very hard on themselves, they will be convincing themselves of their inadequacies. Verbal abuse given to the self or given from someone else warps a person’s view. This inaccurate view will also result in a person misinterpreting neutral interactions in a more negative light.

We cannot change how another person sees the world. If we were to focus on changing how another person sees the world, we would feel frustrated because there are a lot of factors that go into how a person interprets their environment. We can change our impact on their environment.

If we really do love the person we are with, we need to take time to express it. We can express it through touch, smiles, verbal expressions, acts of kindness, small purchases, notes, or any number of methods. The rate that we express it should be very high. There should be a constant flow of positive messages that are being sent from one person to the other. There should be a feeling of love that permeates the home.

Think about your coworkers or managers from the past. If one of them walks into the room, your body instantly responds to their presence. You either become more relaxed or you instantly become tense. Your reaction is based on the type of message you are used to hearing from them. With our spouse, we want to cultivate a feeling that we care about them, and they are never going to be hurt in our presence.