Emotional Independence

Emotional independence is the ability to regulate one’s own emotions without requiring another person’s actions or words. It is important because if we are dependent on another person, in order to regulate our emotions, we will be subject to them. If they give imperfect responses, we will dysregulate. If we are emotionally independent, we can be the person that we want to be, regardless of the performance of those around us.

Emotional Dependence in a Codependent Relationship

I have to keep my partner calm and at ease at all times. If I am not constantly managing my partner’s environment and soothing his emotions, he will get irritable and upset. When he gets upset, I feel bad. I feel bad about my inability to be a good partner.

Verses Emotional Independence

I love my partner. He has difficulty controlling his mood. He is easily agitated. He has a low tolerance for stress. I recognize that he has to learn to control his mood. I cannot do it for him. If he treats me poorly, I leave the room and sometimes the home. I do not allow myself to be treated poorly by anyone. It is up to him, if he is going to learn to tolerate stress. He is going to be miserable until he learns how to do it. I don’t have to match his mood. I can be happy, sad, peaceful, or whatever, because me changing my mood will not help him learn to tolerate stress.

Emotional Dependence in a Controlling Relationship

I don’t want to get upset so I tell my partner what I need from her. If my partner listens to me and does what I say, I won’t get upset. In a marriage, both people work to help the other person feel good. If my partner doesn’t help me, even when I explain what I need from her, it’s her fault if I get upset.

Verses Emotional Independence

I am in charge of my own emotions. A marriage is a union of two people, who enjoy being around each other, not because they have to, but because they want to. My partner is going to make mistakes. She is not perfect. Even when I tell her that something she does really bothers me, she is probably going to do it again. She tries to not do things that I don’t like, not because I demand it of her, but because she wants to be kind. However, she is growing, just like I am growing, and she will continue to make mistakes. Her mistakes are her own, they do not determine my emotions. I can regulate my own emotions, regardless of her decisions. Sometimes, she does not want to stop doing something that I find to be bothersome. When that is the case, I can still choose how I feel. I can regulate my emotions, even when my wife makes different choices than I would prefer.

I am a guest in her world, just as she is guest in mine. Our union is a union of two world views. I do not have to mold her view into mine. I can maintain my view and she can maintain hers. We can still enjoy each other’s presence, and make different decisions, based on our world views. Her decisions might embarrass me, if I was the one making them, but I am not. My decisions might frustrate her, if she was making them, but she is not. She makes her decisions based on the results that she wants and the consequences that she can tolerate.

Emotional Dependence in a Monetary Relationship

I don’t know where are money goes. I’m not really sure how my spouse is budgeting. I feel very confident in her ability to budget, but sometimes I worry because our financial situation is very abstract. I ask my spouse about the money and get reassurance, but I constantly worry because I’m not really sure what’s going on.

Verses Emotional Independence

My wife is very good with money and budgeting. I trust her planning skills. Instead of worrying about the finances, because I don’t know where the money is going, I sit down once a week with my wife and discuss our finances. It doesn’t take very long. We don’t have a lot of major financial decisions to make, but the meeting leaves me with a solid understanding of where the money is. I don’t have to worry or wonder about our situation, because I know exactly what is going on. My wife also likes it when I have a meeting with her. Even though she doesn’t change her budgeting style, she feels like she isn’t shouldering all of the responsibility because I am giving my approval of our joint decisions.

Emotional Dependence in a Parenting Relationship

I tell my wife that she is too permissive with the children and that is why they do not listen to me. It really stresses me out. She is ruining our kids. I have to be overly strict with them to compensate for her leniency. When I’m overly strict, I look like the bad guy. Lately, I haven’t been helping with the kids at all, because when I do, she just undermines me. She is going to have to change, before I can do anything with the kids.

Verses Emotional Independence

My wife and I have different parenting styles. We try to get on the same page, but our personality differences make it difficult. She is very permissive and I tend to be authoritative. I’m not going to stop parenting, just because we are different. My kids have learned to respond differently to me than to her. If my kids are not listening to me, I assume it is because I need to adjust the way I’m parenting my children. I choose to not focus on what my wife is doing wrong. I choose to focus on what is in my power to change.

My wife is very permissive and the kids do not listen to her at all. I am mindful to not overcompensate and become overly authoritarian. My parenting style does not have to be dependent upon her mistakes. If my children disobey my wife, it is because she still has some growing to do. She will have to experience the consequences of a poor parenting style, if she is going to learn. I will have to learn from my mistakes as well. My children can still learn to be compliant with me, so long has my parenting style fosters that relationship. When my parenting style no longer fosters that relationship, I need to change me, not my wife. I do not become stressed, when my children do not listen to my wife. She becomes stressed and that is okay. Stress motivates us to make different choices. This does not mean that I allow my kids to be rude, unkind, or disrespectful to my wife. It does mean that I do not rescue her from the consequences of her decisions.

Sometimes my wife undermines my consequence by allowing our child to play on the computer, even after I have grounded him. When I see him playing on the computer, I do not yell at my wife. I remind the child that he might be ungrounded with his mom, but he is still grounded with me. I then extend the grounding time, for breaking my rule. Hopefully, my wife and I will be on the same page one day, but until then, I will continue to focus on what I can do, instead of thinking she has to change first.

Emotional Dependence with Housework

I constantly feel overwhelmed. I cannot keep up with the housework. I get home from work and my husband is sitting on the couch playing video games. I have to do all of the chores by myself, and that’s after I help our kids with their school work. I’m exhausted every night. If he would just help more, I wouldn’t feel so overwhelmed.

My wife wanted to stay home with the children. We made financial sacrifices so she could do that while I worked. She stays at home all day, but when I get home the house is almost as dirty as when I left. I can see, by Facebook’s notifications, that she is on social media a lot. I pay attention to her online activity. She loves to attend the children’s social activities. She likes to play with the children, but she doesn’t get the housework done. I am very frustrated with her lack of effort. I find myself building up resentment toward her.

Verses Emotional Independence

My workload would be smaller if my husband helped me with chores. I have talked to him about it, but he still doesn’t help. I’m not going to wait for him to change, before I work on feeling less overwhelmed. I am going to look at what I have the power to change. I will adjust my expectations for myself. I will make adjustments to my schedule. I will set up a reward and consequence program for my children. I will hire a house cleaner to come in one day a week and deep clean while I am at work. I will eat healthier, go to bed on time, and exercise for twenty minutes a day, so that I will feel healthier. This will give me more energy throughout the day. I will also stop focusing on how frustrated I am with other people’s decisions, because that drains my energy. I will start meditation at night, after the kids go to bed. I will listen a devotional every morning, during my twenty-minute exercise. These activities will help me has a healthy perspective, which will help me feel less overwhelmed.

My wife wanted to stay home with the children, while I worked. We agreed to this. She isn’t very good with housework. The dishes and the clothes tend to pile up. While cleanliness is important to me, it doesn’t seem to be her priority. Since it is important to me, I am going to work on it. I don’t like dishes piling up, so I am going to wash them. I don’t like clutter, so I am going to organize. I have to readjust my schedule a little. I also have to be more precise with how I focus my limited time, when I get home. I incorporate the help of the children, as much as they are capable, while I am cleaning. Instead of focusing on my wife’s inadequacies, I focus on what she does do well. Her priorities are building connections with the children. I focus on her talent. Cleanliness is important to me, and because I clean to my standards I am satisfied with the level of cleanliness in my home. I am not stressed out because it does not meet my standards.

Emotional Dependence with Maintenance

I have been asking my husband to fix the doorknob for months. He says he will do it, and then he doesn’t. It’s been loose for a while and it’s starting to get worse. I think it’s going to fall off any minute. I’m so embarrassed when company comes over. It really stresses me out.

Verses Emotional Independence

I asked my husband to fix the doorknob. He didn’t fix it. I took some time out of the day to watch a YouTube video on how to fix the doorknob. It took me longer than it would him to fix it, but I learned a new skill. I also gained confidence in my ability to take care of maintenance problems. I feel good about myself. I’m disappointed in my husband’s lack of help, but I am not full of anger or animosity toward him. My lack of animosity allows room for other emotions to grow.