Taking a Break

            The Negotiator 

The hostages were scared as the bank robber lined them up on the wall. The robber was calm and collected, but the AR16 in his hand meant he wasn’t to be trifled with. The robber had not intended to take hostages that day, but a passerby had witnessed the robbery through the window and called the police. The patrol car was in the area and the officer pulled up to the front door before the robber could exit the scene.

The robber was trying to stay calm. He needed to stay level headed, if he was going to escape the situation. He watched through the window as he saw more and more patrol cars line up outside. The robber breathed deeply and steadied his nerves.

The negotiator arrived on the scene and walked boldly to the door. The negotiator raised his hands above his head and announced the purpose of his presence. The robber cooly walked over to the door and let the negotiator inside.

Upon entering the room, the negotiator opened up negotiation. His voice was soft and welcoming. The robber was relaxed in his poise as he listened. The feeling in the room was peaceful.

Soon after negotiations started, the robber disagreed with the negotiator. He did not feel it was in his best interest to surrender and go to jail. The negotiator wanted to get his point across, so he escalated his volume and made his words sound stern. The robber matched the negotiator’s volume and tone.

Neither the negotiator nor the robber tried to understand each other. The two simply reiterated the same points at higher and higher volumes. The robber, noticing that the conversation was going nowhere, asked the negotiator if he could stop conversing while he thought through his options. The negotiator was angry and refused to stop talking. In response, the robber walked away from the negotiator.

The negotiator had a lot of points that he wanted to make. He didn’t want the robber to walk away before he made his points. The negotiator’s pride had been hurt and he wanted to insult the robber. The negotiator followed the robber, as the robber tried to walk away.

The robber felt trapped; he wanted to leave the conversation; he wanted to calm down, but the negotiator would not give him space. The robber felt panicked. He turned around and yelled at the negotiator. The negotiator lost his temper completely. He charged toward the robber, who promptly shot him.

The robber was horrified by what took place. He took steps backward in shock before sitting on the ground with his back against the wall. The bank manager watched from the corner of the room.

The manager watched the robber until he noticed the robber was calm. Then, he started his own negotiations with the robber. During his negotiations, the manager paid close attention to the robber’s body language. When the robber tensed up, the manager took away pressure. When the robber raised his voice, the manager lowered his. When the robber became agitated, the manager took a break from negotiating until the robber was calm again.

The manager was able to successfully negotiate the safety of him and the other employees. He watched the body language and listened to the voice fluctuations of the robber during the conversations. The manager wanted to ensure that the robber felt calm.

The manager was fully aware that the robber felt stuck. If he made negotiations and the robber saw the conversation as possible solutions, the robber would begin to relax. If the robber saw the conversation topic as an additional problem, he would begin to tense up. The manager knew that he could recognize how the robber was mapping the conversation inside his brain, by the way the robber’s body was responding.

There were times during the negotiation, when the manager wasn’t getting any positive responses. He could not help the robber find a mental path that resulted in a relaxed tone and posture. It was during these times that the manager stopped the negotiations and gave the robber space. After the robber was visibly calm, the manager would pick up negotiations again.

Taking a Break

Jacob and Tiffany had been arguing a lot. They constantly yelled at each other. It seemed that any little thing set them off. Jacob and Tiffany constantly assumed negative connotations, even when none was intended. Their conversations often escalated very quickly.

Jacob felt that he had tried everything to make the conversations not escalate. He had tried different voice fluctuations. He had tried different volumes. He had tried different ways of phrasing problems. He felt that no matter what he did the conversation always ended in shouting and harsh words.

Jacob eventually stopped trying to argue with Tiffany. If she started to escalate, he would simply leave the house and drive away. He usually calmed down after several minutes, but Tiffany would continue to escalate. She would call his phone and text him multiple times. Whenever Jacob did return home, she was furious.

Tiffany didn’t like it when Jacob left. She worried that he was abandoning her. He had thrown out the “divorce” word in the past and every time he left, she worried that he was leaving her.

Tiffany didn’t like it that Jacob would leave the home, return feeling calm, and then refuse to talk about the problem again. Tiffany didn’t think she could feel calm if the problem wasn’t solved. She couldn’t solve it if Jacob didn’t talk about it. Whenever he tried to leave, Tiffany tried to follow. She didn’t want another incident of ignoring the problem, so she followed Jacob and continued to talk about the problem.

Jacob didn’t want to “trigger” Tiffany’s insecurities by leaving the home, but he didn’t know another way to not be yelled at. He knew that if he stayed in the room and tried to talk about the problem, he would lose his temper. Then he would say things he didn’t mean, or he would become aggressive.

Taking a Break Logistics

Our body is trained to respond to potential threats by initiating the sympathetic (“fight, flight, freeze”) nervous system response. When conversations with our spouse have repeatedly led to hurtful words and escalated fights, the body starts to respond to conversations the same way the body would respond to any threat. We will feel anxiety, anger, or our mind will freeze. Our partner, sensing our heightened state, will likely respond by heightening their nervous system state. When this occurs, you will have two people who are trying to have a conversation, while experiencing anxiety, anger, or a frozen mind. This doesn’t work.

A better approach is to train the body to respond to conversations with a parasympathetic (relaxed) nervous system response. This is done by pairing the stimulus (having a conversation) with the response (feeling relaxed) over and over again. Of course, if the body has already paired the stimulus (having a conversation) with the response (feeling threatened) over and over again, there will have to be some effort on our part to reprogram our nervous system response.

 To accomplish this the couple needs to separate as soon as they notice that one or both of them are starting to feel anxious, irritable, or frozen. It is often helpful for the person stepping away to assure their partner that they still love them. It is also helpful to tell the partner what time they will resume the conversation.

Many people have experienced emotional trauma by a loved one walking out on them or threatening divorce. When a person leaves a conversation, it can throw their partner into a state of panic. Offering reassuring words like, “I love you, and I need a break.” Lets the partner know that you are not exiting the relationship, you are simply exiting the conversation.

People also experience the emotional pain of waiting for a conversation to be revisited, but their partner refusing to talk about it. When a partner leaves the conversation, but does not give a time when they intend to talk, it can result in a person becoming angry because it reminds them of past times when issues were ignored. Giving your partner a specific time that you will return (10 min., 30 min., after dinner) helps your partner relax.

There are different ways to relax when you take a break from a heated conversation. Anxiety and anger will only persist if you are actively thinking about the problem. Taking your mind off the problem will allow your body to relax.

Sometimes the problem can be put into a different perspective, which can lessen the weight a problem holds. A different perspective might be, “Will this problem matter as much five years from now?”

Often, a person’s assumptions about what the other person is thinking will escalate anger or anxiety. Not making assumptions can be very helpful in facilitating a sense of calm. For example, assuming “he is not wanting to buy the new couch because he doesn’t care about my opinion,” can escalate feelings of hurt and anger. In contrast, I can choose to not assume and say to myself, “he does not want to buy the new couch. I don’t know why. I need to ask him.”

Trying to look at the problem from a higher level can help reduce anxiety and anger. An example might be, my wife wants me to be home by six so I can eat dinner with the family. I cannot get off work by six. We spent the last thirty minutes arguing about what I can or cannot do to get home by six. If I look at the situation from a higher level, what my wife really wants is for me to connect more with the family. Instead of arguing about dinner time, my wife and I can brainstorm ways that I can connect with the family. Spending a few minutes by myself to think about the situation from a higher level, can help me reduce anxiety and anger. I can do this by asking myself, “What are we really trying to accomplish.”