A common thing for people to think is, “My partner made me miserable and caused me emotional pain, therefore my partner will make my child miserable and cause my child emotional pain.” This is not true. There are a lot of unstable people out there who beat their partner, broke belongings, harmed themselves, belittled, denigrated, cursed, and manipulated, but ended up treating their child differently than they did their partner. You are causing yourself unnecessary pain by assuming that your child will experience the same pain you are going through.
People will say that their child doesn’t really know their absent parent and giving visitation to that parent is the same as giving visitation to a stranger. It will not be emotionally healthy for a child to have visitation with a parent he/she does not know. This is true, but it is also the reality of the situation. This is the consequence of your choices. Choices that started in the dating process. A judge will often ease a child into visitation by slowly extending visitation time, but a judge will not likely restrict visitation forever simply because the parent has been absent in the past.
There is a desire for people to prove to the judge that they are the “good guy” and the other person is the “bad guy” thereby banning visitation. A lot of time, energy, effort, and anger goes into this. You can “have your day in court” and state your case. That is your right. In reality, the type of people who get custody and visitation of their children are abusers, con artists, mentally ill, convicted sex offenders, and convicts. “Good people” get custody too, but if your partner were “good” you wouldn’t have filed for divorce. Everyone else says that too. Every day someone else’s “ex-bad-person” gets awarded visitation. I’m not advocating this. I’m stating that this is the reality.
Sometimes, after the court has made the decisions and the dust has settled, one of the parents slowly drifts away and stops choosing to have visitation with their child. A parent then has two choices. They can attempt to force the other parent to be in their child’s life, or they can allow the parent to drift away. You have a choice to make here. If your ex doesn’t have the character to love their own child, do you really want to force that person to be around? Do you really want your child to pick up on their character strengths? Do you want your child to learn from them? Could it be better to allow them to slowly drift away?
If your ex does not treat your child well there are some choices you can have. First off, I am not going to advocate that a child stay in an abusive relationship. Second, let’s be real, the internet has classified anything and everything as abuse. I am going to advocate, when possible, that it is better to teach our children to overcome adversity rather than it is to remove the adversity from the child’s life.
When teaching a child to overcome adversity, we cannot talk negatively about the child’s parent. We can teach the child general principles that can be applied in adverse situations. We can teach the child, “You’re not responsible for other people’s emotions.” The child can learn, “If a person says this manipulative statement, here is a good way to respond.” If the ex keeps a messy house, the child can learn to clean their own room. If an ex does not spend time with the child, the child can learn to bring a book, craft, or game system to visitation. If the parent sleeps late and doesn’t cook, the child can learn to pour their own cereal. If the ex has a temper, the child can learn to read a parent’s mood and leave the living room when things get tense. I am not advocating it is right for parents to yell. I am stating that this is a reality that will not likely go away. Children can and do overcome adversity and you can be their teacher.
Another option is to try to remove adversity from the child’s life. There are several reasons why this should be a last resort. It teaches the child to have an external locus of control. It doesn’t allow for growth or strength. The child doesn’t learn the tools he/she will need as an adult. It pits one parent against the other, creating an environment where the child lives with an angry parent. It drains the parent’s money and resources that could otherwise be used to create a better environment for the child.
It is very common for young children to exhibit an increase in undesirable behavior right before and a day or two after visitation. This is because divorce has consequences. People will assume that this is a sign of abuse. They will assume it is the fault of the other parent. They will assume that the child only cries when they leave them but doesn’t cry when they leave the other parent. Out of fear, the parent will fight their ex to try to create a better environment for their child. This, in turn, creates more problems. Please know that it is normal for a child to cry when they leave for visitation. It is common for a child to have difficulty adjusting the first day or two when they come home. This is not a reason to start blaming the other person. It is a good reason to find a way to make transitioning feel more natural and normal. Divorce was never meant to be normal, but we can try to make the best out of an unfortunate situation.
Children learn to respond differently in different environments. For example, a child can behave one way at school and an entirely different way at home. If your child is acting out after a divorce, you do not need to change your ex in order to help your child regulate their emotions. Trying to change your ex will result in wasted time and energy. A better approach will be to teach your child to behave differently in your home than he/she does in your ex’s home. Your child can learn to distinguish environments and change their behavior accordingly.
You should always remember that your child has to live with your ex. If you are making each other mad by fighting each other, for the sake of the child, it is the child who most often loses. The child is the one who will have to go home and live with the parent who is now mad and broke because they are in a heated custody dispute with the other parent. No one wants to live with an angry, broke, stressed-out parent. Don’t do this to your child. You may not like the other parent but try to be kind for your child’s sake.