Pursuer/Distancer
The Applicant
The young applicant sweated as she sat through the interview. She wanted the job desperately. She answered all the questions the best she could. At the end of the interview, she desperately wanted to know if she got the job. As the employer thanked her for the interview, the applicant asked the employer for a rating on how she did. The employer was polite in her response but she did not give any indication about her desire to hire the young women. The applicant pushed back on the answer and asked more directly if the employer had a desire to hire her. The applicant instinctively knew that she was being too forward, but she desperately wanted her anxiety about the job to go away. She knew her anxiety wasn’t going to go away until she got the job.
The applicant reluctantly went home without a definite answer from the employer. She went home, typed up a nice “thank you” letter, and mailed it to the employer. After that, she tried to keep herself busy so that she wouldn’t think about the job. Over the next two days, she began to feel nervous. She desperately wanted the job.
By the third day, the young applicant started checking her email about every hour. She began to hyperfocus on worrying about the job. Her anxiety grew higher and higher. By the end of the third day, the applicant had convinced herself that it wouldn’t be too pushy if she simply called and left a “thank you” message on the employer’s voicemail. She waited until it was 8:00 pm, just to make sure the employer was out of the office, and she left a voicemail thanking her for the interview.
On the fourth day, the applicant checked her phone, email, and mailbox constantly. If she could just hear back from the employer, she knew her anxiety would decrease. The applicant reasoned with herself that maybe she could just “bump into” the employer on her lunch break.
The applicant drove across town and positioned her car in the business parking lot so as to have a clear view of the employer. She waited impatiently for the employer to go to lunch. The employer eventually went to lunch three hours later. She went to a local diner. The young lady followed her.
Waiting inside her car, with a clear view of the door, the lady waited until the employer was leaving the diner. Then in a flash, she walked briskly across the parking lot and excitedly announced how happy she was to have “bumped into” the employer. The employer was initially gracious with her greeting, but as the young applicant’s anxiety began to mount, the employer started to feel pressured. Not liking the feeling of being pressured, the employer retreated from the young applicant and quickly got into her car. The applicant followed, trying desperately to sound casual while she continued the conversation, but it was clear that her anxiety about the situation was getting the best of her.
The employer didn’t have a problem with a prospective employee having anxiety. She experienced anxiety from time to time herself. What she didn’t like was how she always felt pushed when she was around the prospective employee. She really liked the woman and she thought her resume was sound, but she didn’t like the feeling she got whenever she heard from her. It was almost like the applicant was rushing her and she didn’t like to feel rushed.
The next morning, the employer got out of her car and walked across the street towards her office. On her walk across the street, she “bumped into” the prospective employee once again. The employee was polite but insistent on knowing if she got the job. The employer did not like the way she felt uncomfortable around the applicant. Once inside her office, she thought about how she would not like working with someone that made her feel so uncomfortable. The employer turned to her computer and typed up a rejection letter.
Pursuer/Distancer Interactions
Jacob woke up next to his wife, feeling lonely. His heart ached. She never touched him, she didn’t talk to him, and she didn’t sit by him anymore. The only interaction that they had was to sit in separate recliners and watch TV, while she surfed her phone.
Jacob was sick of it! He was done! He was tired of putting in all the work, while Tiffany ignored him! Jacob woke Tiffany up, out of her sleep. He poured out his soul and told her that she needed to pay more attention to him or he was going to get depressed.
Tiffany did not like the idea of feeling responsible for Jacob’s emotions. She thought he was putting a lot of pressure on her. If her actions determined if he was going to be depressed or not, she would have to constantly walk on eggshells. Instead of feeling closer to him, she withdrew emotionally.
When Jacob noticed that Tiffany withdrew emotionally, he could feel the anger rising inside of him. Jacob thought about all the effort he had been putting into the relationship and how little his wife was putting into it. Jacob let Tiffany know how he felt. He told her that if she didn’t start being more affectionate, he was going to find someone who did want to love him.
Tiffany loved Jacob, but she didn’t like being told what to do. Tiffany told Jacob that it was his choice if he was going to stay or leave. She wanted to show love, but she wanted it to be because she chose to, not because he told her to.
Jacob became depressed by Tiffany’s remarks. He felt his world crumble. He had always thought that Tiffany would fight for their marriage, but she was ready to give up so easily. Jacob turned to begging. He begged Tiffany to go with him to the park. He begged her to go to bed early with him. He begged her to watch a movie with him.
Tiffany felt smothered by Jacob. She thought he was a black hole of neediness that she could never fill. She felt like every time she gave in and spent time with him, it only fed his insatiable desire for more attention. Tiffany started encouraging Jacob to make friends instead of asking her for attention.
Pursuer/Distancer Logistics
The pursuer-distancer pattern occurs when one person feels emotionally distant and tries to feel closer to the other person by persuading, coercing, convincing, or manipulating them to show more love. Instead of the other person showing more love, the person feels smothered and withdraws even more. When greater distance is felt, the harder the pursuer will push for closeness. This will result in the distancer moving even farther away.
The pursuer will use language that appears to the distancer to be choice restricting. The pursuer will say, “I feel depressed when you are not with me.” This will sound like manipulation to the distancer because in their mind they are being blamed for the distancer’s feelings. The pursuer will use coercion, “You have to work on it for the children’s sake.” Although this is a noble thing to do, it can result in the distancer feeling obligated to stay, which can garner resentment. The pursuer might use manipulation, “If you give up now, I will tell your parents that you quit your family.” Manipulation has a high propensity to influence the distancer to make choices based on anxiety. Choices made in anxiety do not foster the love and tranquility that the pursuer is craving.
Pursuers do not need to give up and turn cold. They can show love in whatever way they choose, as long as it isn’t choice restricting. The pursuer can send a text message in the morning, expressing love. The pursuer can do extra chores that have been stressing the distancer. The pursuer can invite the distancer on a date, and not react poorly if the distancer politely declines. If the pursuer continues to show love, the pursuer would do well to do so out of love and not with the expectation of receiving something in return. Doing something out of love is energy building and it can continue for a long period of time. Doing something and expecting, while not receiving something in return, is energy depleting and often results in resentment.
The distancer can also do their part in the pursuer/distancer pattern. The distancer can determine if there is a need to start showing more love and affection. This affection can still be done out of personal choice and not out of obligation, regardless of the pursuer’s behavior. If the distancer notices that their primary motivation is being driven by fear or anxiety, they should pause and not go forward with the affection. If their motivation is being driven by genuine love, they can go forward with the affection.
Love might be given out of fear, if the distancer is trying to prevent the pursuer from becoming angry. Love might be given out of anxiety, if the pursuer is trying to avoid manipulation or coercion. Love might be given out of guilt, if the distancer is trying to rid themselves of negative accusations. If love is offered for these reasons, a person will likely feel tired and emotionally drained.
The distancer does not have to wait for the pursuer to change. A person can show love, even if another person is behaving poorly. Every parent, teacher, physician, and preacher has experienced that.