Encouragement

Children aren’t much different than their parents. They make mistakes every day, just like their parents do. Parents often feel bad about their mistakes and make commitments to themselves to do better, but they still make the same mistakes. For example, parents may commit to go to the gym and eat healthy, but despite their sincerity and desire, they still fall short. Children are the same way. They can sincerely want to do better in their life, and still make the same mistakes.

When people are striving toward a goal, they are often hard on themselves. They criticize themselves when they fall short. Even when they progress a little, they still talk down to themselves if they are not completely meeting their expectations. People might even make their goal 4 out of 5 times and still become upset at themselves, because of the single failure.

When people are criticized for their mistakes, the criticism validates the negative self-talk that they are already using. This dampens their spirits and discourages their attempts at trying again. When people are encouraged, it uplifts them and helps promote the energy required to keep trying.

It is important to recognize that consequences, natural or applied, are not criticisms. Consequences are necessary for growth and do not detract from the learning experience. Criticism is not a consequence. It is validation of a problem that a person is already aware of.

It is okay to point out when a mistake has been made. People need to understand that they have made a mistake, so they can start working on the correction. Once it is pointed out, there isn’t a need to repeatedly point out the mistake. Instead, you can apply encouragement and consequences.

Lecturing is often used when the lecturer assumes that the recipient just doesn’t understand. Their assumption is, if the recipient understood the gravity of the situation, they would change. The lecturer assumes that if they keep explaining, the recipient will eventually understand. The lecturer will keep explaining and explaining, sometimes for hours. This type of approach doesn’t seem to work well with most people. In fact, the harder a person is pushed, the more they tend to push back.

Encouragement strengthens a person’s resolve. It offers reassurance that someone they trust has faith in them. Encouragement lessons feelings of self-doubt. Encouragement often instils a desire to try more.

You do not have to be fake to offer encouragement. People often think in their mind about how proud they are of their child or teen, but they forget to verbalize the compliment. Simply getting into the habit of verbalizing the compliment can create an environment of encouragement and love. This can empower your loved ones to try again.

Poor Example:

Mark’s child often failed to rinse and put his plate in the dishwasher. Mark was a very busy, single father.  He barely had enough time to do the basic chores, after working all day. He really needed his son to help out.

Mark explained to his son, for the 100th time, how important it is for him to pull his weight and help out with chores. He wasn’t asking for much, he just wanted him to rinse his plate and put it in the dishwasher. Mark explained this in detail, for the next twenty minutes. His child just seemed to tune him out. Mark grew frustrated and started yelling. This resulted in his son yelling. Dishes didn’t get done. The constant criticism about the dishes resulted in a daily argument for Mark and his son. This tainted their relationship and respect for each other.

Good Example:

Joanne’s child often failed to rinse and put his plate in the dishwasher. Joanne was a very busy, single mother. She worked long hours and she was often tired when she got home. She really needed her son’s help with chores. It would be a tremendous help if he loaded the dishwasher before she got home.

First, Joanne set up clear expectations and reasoning, on the onset for her son. She explained why it was important for him to load the dishwasher. She gave him a set time, by which it had to be loaded. She explained the consequence for not loading the dishwasher by that time.

Second, when Joanne saw that her son was making steps in the right direction, she praised his progress and encouraged him to continue. She still allowed the consequence to occur, because he wasn’t able to finish the task, and she complimented the progress. She did not lecture or point out what he did wrong. She didn’t need to, because he already knew his expectations, and the expectations were reinforced by the consequence. The encouragement reinforced her belief in him that he could eventually achieve the goal. She sincerely expressed gratitude for even simple approximations of his progress towards the goal. This encouragement coupled with the consequence, influenced her son to keep trying, even when he fell short of expectations.