Matching and Pacing

The Addiction Counselor

Aaron sat in the room across from his addiction counselor. As he listened to the words his counselor was saying, he could feel his skin crawl. He wanted desperately to leave. He knew that what the counselor saying was right, but he didn’t like to hear it. He didn’t feel ready to hear it. He felt like he was being pushed. Like his will was being usurped. His counselor wasn’t giving him time to think things through and contemplate what he was being told. It was like drinking from a fire hydrant. The more he felt pushed, the more he dug into his current position. Not because he thought his current position was correct, but because he didn’t like being pushed.

The counselor sat across from Aaron. He was very frustrated, but he was trying to not show it. He was doing his job and the addict was not picking up what he was laying down. The counselor could feel heat from his body as his blood pressure slowly rose.

The counselor had been working with Aaron for three months. He knew what Aaron had to do to get rid of his addiction. He knew how much Aaron’s addiction was hurting him and his family. He had given Aaron sound advice, but Aaron wasn’t doing it. This lead to the counselor oscillating between feelings of self doubt and feelings of resentment. Self doubt, because maybe he wasn’t good enough and that is why Aaron wasn’t doing what he told him. Resentment, because he was working harder than Aaron. He was putting a lot of work into pondering and researching Aaron’s situation and Aaron wasn’t even trying to do what he was suggesting.

One day the counselor read “Shifting Contexts” by Bill O’Hanlon. In the book, he read that he should never be the hardest working person in the room. That struck him. The next week, he read “Tap Roots” by Bill O’Hanlon. In “Tap Roots” he learned about a concept called Matching and Pacing. The counselor learned that people like to change; people do not like to be changed. Further reading brought the counselor to the discovery of the Prochaska and DiClemente Stages of Change model. The counselor learned that recovery is a process, one that cannot be rushed. These insights helped to shift the counselor’s approach.

The next time the counselor met with Aaron, he did not tell Aaron what to do. He asked Aaron what he wanted to focus on. As Aaron talked, he did not push Aaron to move through his addiction recovery faster than Aaron was willing to go. The counselor felt his resentment and self-doubt melt. This was not his problem to own. This was his person to support.

Aaron liked the counselor’s new approach. He relaxed in his chair and turned introspective. Aaron was challenged to ask himself what he really wanted to accomplish. This was the start of a journey of self discovery. Aaron started to ask himself if the addiction was worth the trouble. He started to ponder what he was willing to give up in return for sobriety.

Pacing in Families

Bobby was feeling very depressed. He suffered immensely from depression. He had crying spells multiple times a day. He rarely got out of bed. His depression restricted him from doing chores and spending time with the children. He still went to work, but he was starting to get write-ups. His wife Paula was beside herself with concern. She was very empathetic towards Bobby and cared for him deeply. She desperately wanted him to get better.

Every day, Bobby would complain to Paula. He would talk for hours about his fears and depression. Paula would respond to Bobby by telling him actionable steps that he could take to solve his problem. She made suggestions about exercising, getting on medication, going to a psychiatric hospital, starting therapy, meditation, changing his diet, reading his Bhagavad Gita, and journaling. Bobby would half-heartedly try her suggestions and then quit, stating that none of them worked.

The pattern carried on for a months. Bobby cried and complained for hours. Paula made suggestions to Bobby. She cajoled, pushed, and pleaded. She researched for days, listened to podcasts, and read books on depression. Bobby lay in his bed, ruminated, and cried.

Over time, Paula began to be resentful towards Bobby. She didn’t think he was trying. She was tired of carrying the work of parenting and chores. She was tired of working extra hours at her job because Bobby frequently called in sick. Bobby was also feeling resentful. He felt like Paula didn’t understand him. He felt like she was not being empathetic to his plight.

One day, Paula decided that she was going to step out of the “driver’s seat” of Bobby’s mental health. She would be a support, but only if support was required for forward-moving steps. If Bobby wanted to bounce ideas off her about how to fix the depression, she was happy to be a sounding board. If Bobby wanted to talk so he could complain to her about his problems, she asked him to complain to a therapist. Paula no longer researched recovery options for depression. She did tell Bobby that she would support whatever attempts at recovery he was willing to make.

Bobby complained that she was not helping him. He called her uncompassionate and uncaring. He told her that she was his companion and it was her job to listen to him complain. Paula felt hurt when Bobby made those comments towards her. She loved him and didn’t like to see him in pain. However, she knew that what she had been doing was not working.

Paula started focusing on self-care. She started exercising in the morning. She changed her diet to make it healthier. She started talking to a therapist. She and the kids began planning weekend hikes and camping trips. She studied her Bhagavad Gita. She took up nature meditation. If Bobby was going to take a while to recover, she needed to infuse her life with energy-building activities.

Bobby was unable to feel any sense of comfort through complaining because no one was there to listen to him. Bobby really was tired of the depression. He didn’t want it. He just didn’t know how to get rid of it. When Paula stopped coming up with ideas to help him, he decided that he was going to have to start researching ideas. At first, his attempts at research were feeble, but at least he tried. As he tried, he noticed slight changes in his mood. This led to hope. The hope led to more action. Slowly, Bobby began to get better.

True to her word, Paula listened when Bobby needed a sounding board, and his musings were productive. If he waned into complaining, Paula politely excused herself. Whenever Bobby came up with an idea to overcome depression, Paula supported him, even if she thought the idea was dumb. Paula realized that a placebo has a huge effect on mental health. If Bobby believed it was going to work, then it probably was. She also knew about the nocebo effect. If she suggested something that Bobby didn’t believe, then the nocebo would impact the effectiveness of her suggestion.

As Bobby gained energy, he started to join Paula and the children on the hiking trips. The sunshine, energy, and change in conversation helped Bobby feel better. The time together helped Paula and Bobby reconnect. Over time, Bobby slowly started to recover.

As recovery took hold, Bobby would still revert to bouts of depression. However, Bobby and Paula had a different culture in their home. Bobby would take the lead on implementing self-recovery. Paula would be there, but she would pace his speed and his desire.

Matching and Pacing Logistics 

Matching and Pacing is a technique coined by Milton Erickson. He was a famous psychiatrist who revolutionized the industry in many ways. Dr. Erickson described matching the client’s demeanor and speed in order to create a connection. He described pacing their worldview to create a sense of joining.  Bill O’Hanlon and James Wilk suggested that we should never be working harder than the person we are helping.

In my experience, when a person is trying to help another person grow faster than they want to, it creates a lot of resentment on the part of the helper. When the helper is outpacing the helpee, they are doing most of the research. They are coming up with most of the ideas. They are carrying the bulk of the motivation. The helpee is feeling pushed, coerced, or carried. They are usually slowing down in the process of growth, or they have stopped altogether.

If the helper slows down and doesn’t work harder than the helpee, then the helpee is the one who is doing the research, coming up with the ideas, and carrying the motivation. The helper is only the support system. The helper can create the necessary support items, but they cannot make the helpee use them or want to use them. The helper should never do for the helpee what they can do for themselves.

 The motivation will come from the stress that the client feels. When the helper allows the helpee to feel their own stress, the helpee will be motivated. When the helper does not attempt to learn on behalf of the helpee, the helpee will, out of necessity, learn the joy of learning, planning, and executing. The helper can be a support system when the helpee doesn’t know what resources or information they should be studying. The difference between an expert and a novice is not that the expert knows all the answers; it is that the expert knows where to look for the answers. That’s the helper’s role: to help the novice know where to look for the answers.