Jacob sat across the table from his wife. The conversation was going to be uncomfortable. It always was when they talked about “it”. He hated the feelings inside of him that the conversation always brought up. He felt failure, shame, doubt, worthlessness, and hopelessness.

Jacob remembered how his father used to respond to uncomfortable emotions. His father wouldn’t attempt to tolerate them. Instead, he would react with hostility or withdrawal. His mother didn’t often bring topics up, but when she did, her father would either double down on drinking or become irate.

Jacob was determined to not go down the same path that his father did. His wife started talking and Jacob took a deep breath. He relaxed his body and embraced the feelings that accompanied her words. The feelings were sharp at first and his body initially recoiled in response. She was being kind in her delivery, but the words conjured up feelings of inadequacy that pierced his soul. As he embraced the feelings and concentrated on what his wife was trying to say, the sharpness of the feelings began to melt. As he continued to sit with the emotions, they melted away, allowing his mind to be clear.

He could hear his wife’s message. The message she was intending to give was a little bit jumbled up with assumptions he was making regarding her intent. He acknowledged what she was saying, so she knew he heard her. Then he excused himself to take a break to think things through.

Jacob didn’t want his wife to feel abandoned in the conversation. He didn’t want her to feel like he was punishing her by taking a break to think things through. He didn’t want her to worry that he was going to leave her, after she bore her soul. He didn’t want her to feel like he wasn’t going to finish the conversation. These were the feelings his mother used to express, when his father would walk away in the middle of a conversation. To put his wife’s mind at ease, he let her know that he still loved her. This way she wouldn’t fear abandonment. Next, he told her that he was going to come back in 30 minutes to resume the conversation and that he just needed to clear his mind. This way, she could relax and be calm when he returned. He knew from experience that if he didn’t reassure her that he would finish the conversation in 30 minutes, she would just work herself up emotionally and he would return to an explosion of emotions.

As Jacob walked down the street he thought about his wife’s words. He let go of assumptions and only focused on the content. As he did so, he was able to separate false assumptions that were generated from past experiences with the words she was actually saying.

When Jacob returned to finish the conversation with his wife, he was able to verbalize his thoughts about what she had said. He was able to experience the emotions of the topic without recoiling because the emotions were no longer intense. He was able to have a calm conversation.