The mind thinks in probability. If the conversation turned into an argument the last few times a conversation occurred, then the mind is going to assume that the next conversation will go bad. This means that the mind will automatically start interpreting neutral statements as negative. The mind will automatically start getting ready to be defensive.
The body’s autonomic nervous system has two responses, parasympathetic and sympathetic. The body is pretty basic. The nervous system is going to turn on the sympathetic system in contexts that are a perceived threat. This sympathetic system is going to encourage emotions such as anxiety, fear, and anger. The system will promote fighting, fleeing, or freezing.
To retrain the body and the mind to have calm conversations where both parties are assuming positive intentions, it is going to take a lot of repetition. The mind will require both people to constantly verbalize positives about the other person. This will increase the probability that a neutral statement will be interpreted in a positive way. The body will require both people to be calm and peaceful around each other. This will teach the body that the other person is not a threat and the emotions of anxiety, fear, and anger are not needed.
The problem is that conversations do go south. When this occurs, the damage can be really big. There is a simple method for avoiding an argument. The first part of the method is to pay attention to when the conversation starts to go bad. Try to notice the first signs. The second part is to reassure the other person that you love them. The third part is to separate until both people are calm. The fourth part is to let the other person know what time you are going to return to resume the conversation.
The reason why you want to separate as soon as you notice the conversation going bad is because you are in more control when you are not mad. If you wait until you are angry, one of you is likely to say some really mean things. This will make it harder to want to leave and it will make it harder for both of you to calm down. Leaving early creates a faster recovery period.
It is important to reassure the other person and let them know you love them, before you leave. Some people feel a lot of insecurity about the relationship. This is especially true if there has been talk of divorce. It is unreasonable to expect someone to simply turn off that insecurity simply because you expect them to. Believe me, if your partner could turn off the insecurity, she/he would have already done it. It is painful. Letting them know you still love them, lets them know that you are not planning on leaving them, you’re just leaving the conversation.
Most couples have arguments that have never been fully resolved. Some couples have a habit of leaving and then never talking about the subject again until a blow up happens. When one person leaves the argument, it is helpful to let the other person know when they are coming back to resume it. This allows the person in waiting to not panic or become angrier because they assume that the problem will never be resolved. If the leaving person lets the waiting person know what time he/she will return, both people can calm themselves down in the interim. This will allow for a greater chance of success when both people return to have a conversation.
When the conversation is resumed, anger may start to rise again. It will take a while to retrain the body and the mind to have peaceful conversations. If this occurs, let the person know you love them, separate, and let the person know when you are going to resume the conversation. Everything worthwhile takes effort.