Appreciating Opposing Behavior

The  Therapist

The therapist sat with the group of schoolchildren. His job was to lead the group of children in a group discussion for one and a half hours. One of the children had a very low attention span. That child was constantly out of his seat. The child appeared to thrive on attention. Whenever the therapist criticized the child for getting out of his seat, the child increased the behavior. It was like the child was becoming energized from the interactions.

 The therapist initially tried to ignore the child. This did not work. The child would become more disruptive in an attempt to garner attention. The therapist then tried to use a consequence, such as time out. This did not work. The child would walk away from time out, resulting in increased interaction from the therapist. The child would increase the disruptive behavior, whenever the therapist chided the child for not following requests.

 The therapist had another option. Instead of chiding the child every time he got out of his seat, he could offer attention and appreciation whenever the child stayed in the seat. The therapist tried to shower the child with attention after group therapy if he sat the entire time. This would not work. The child’s attention span did not allow him to focus on the reward for a 1 & ½ hour time span.  

The therapist determined that he would need to offer appreciation to the child at an interval less than every 1 & ½ hour. The therapist took out his timer. He gave attention to the unfocused child and thanked him for staying in his seat every 20 minutes. The child responded to the positive attention but did not stay in his seat a full 20 minutes. The therapist decreased the number of minutes in between expressions of appreciation. The child responded well to the interval of 5 minutes. The child was able to stay in his seat for 5 minutes after receiving a compliment for sitting. The child was genuinely appreciative of the compliment and appeared to enjoy the compliment however, he could not retain attention long enough to stay in his seat longer than 5 minutes. When the therapist expressed appreciation at an interval of 5 minutes to the child, the inattentive child would stay in his seat and focus on the lesson. He did not exhibit disruptive behavior and disturb other students. 

Appreciating Opposing Behavior

Jacob let go of a lot of expectations and this helped him feel much better. He still loved Tiffany and he wanted to see her grow, but he didn’t know how to help her without pointing out what she was doing wrong. One day, as Jacob was urinating outside on a windy day, he got an idea. When he urinated into the wind, bad things happened. When he urinated with the wind, he could hit is target, every time.

Jacob started paying attention to the times when Tiffany showed signs of personal accomplishment. When she put her towels in the hamper instead of leaving them on the floor, he expressed appreciation. If she finished one of her art projects, instead of leaving it half finished, he let her know how much he admired her. Jacob pointed out her growth and expressed honest appreciation and admiration at every opportunity.

Jacob started noticing that he became happier. He started recognizing all of the little things his wife did for him that he had been taking for granted. He noticed all of the struggles she was trying to overcome and how she was trying to be a better person.

Tiffany really enjoyed celebrating her little victories and accomplishments with her husband. The actions made her feel like he was her best friend. She started getting into the habit of calling her husband and letting him know of her accomplishments. Jacob began to see his wife as a strong person. He started to admire her.

As time went on, Tiffany stopped doing the little things that used to annoy Jacob. Tiffany recognized the times Jacob expressed appreciation. She gravitated toward actions that felt good and subsequently did more of those things.

Jacob found that he enjoyed being around his wife. Her little shortcomings were overshadowed by her accomplishments that he had learned to notice. Tiffany found that she looked forward to being with Jacob. He was positive, encouraging, and always appreciative of the efforts she gave every day.

Appreciating Opposing Behavior Logistics

While one behavior is being performed, the opposite of that behavior cannot be performed at the same time. If a person is wearing shoes, they cannot be barefoot. If a person is at peace, they cannot be angry. When we are encouraging someone to grow, we can criticize them every time they do the behavior we do not want them to do, or we can express appreciation and encouragement when they do the opposite behavior.

When we express appreciation and encouragement, we help the other person to grow, and we help ourselves to grow. We begin to pay attention to the positive growth our spouse is making. Our spouse begins to notice their own successes.

When we notice our spouse’s growth, we become more appreciative of them. We treat them kinder. We admire them more. We enjoy being around our spouse more. The good things they do outweigh the bad because we notice them more. When the good outweighs the bad, the bad things do not annoy us as much.

 When our spouse notices their own growth, they start to pay attention to what they are doing when they are successful. This helps them recognize how they can repeat the behavior. Their experiences of self-efficacy increase and they feel empowered to accomplish more.

Sometimes people want to perform a specific behavior, but their fear, anxiety, and self-doubt that gets in the way. It is during these times that our spouse might not seem to be working on the behavior change, but the battle is taking place in their mind. Our spouse might be growing at a steady pace, but since the growth is in their head, we do not yet see the results. It is during these times that we need to be the most patient and encouraging. It is difficult to overcome mental blocks.