Organizing Thoughts Versus Vomiting Emotions

When people communicate with others about their lives they are either trying to externally process, vent their emotions, or share their life experiences with others. External processing happens when we attempt to organize our emotions by talking about them. Venting occurs when we vomit our emotions onto someone in an attempt to feel better. Sharing our life experiences occurs when we tell someone our thoughts and feelings in order to create connection.

If I am organizing my thoughts, I am attempting to find a resolution. I am trying to gain clarity. I am trying to understand a situation. I am trying to figure out what happened. This type of thinking leaves me and the other human feeling empowered.

If I am vomiting my emotions, I am simply using another human as an emotional dump site for my problems. I have no intent of solving the problem. I just want to spew my emotions onto them so that I will feel better. Doing this does not actually solve anything. It doesn’t make myself feel any better in the long run. I just feel better in the moment. It leaves me and the other human feeling drained.

It is okay to tell someone about our day as a method of sharing experiences and connecting with them. I might not be trying to organize my thoughts when I share my experience. I am also not talking to them in an effort to seek emotional relief. I am telling a story about me.

Example of Organizing Thoughts

Cory was very confused about what happened at work today. Cynthia, his manager, had asked Cory to complete his own quarterly review. In all of Cory’s work history, this had never been done before. He didn’t know what to think of it. Did it mean that he had done something wrong? Did it mean that Cynthia was lazy? Was his bonus still attached to his review? Should he talk to Cynthia about his concerns? Should he ask his coworkers what their experience was? Cory was very confused.

When Cory got home he relayed the information to his wife. He asked for her opinion. He discussed his options. He externally processed about the situation and came up with a plan.  

Example of Vomiting Emotions

Cory was very confused about what happened at the carpool today. He went to pick up Earl, but Joe had already picked him up for the day. It was Tuesday and on Tuesday, he was supposed to pick up Earl.

Cory was very upset. He wanted the angry feelings to go away. He found a coworker who doesn’t like Joe. Then he told the coworker how angry he was at Joe. Cory felt validated when the coworker agreed that Joe was no good. Cory felt better for a little while until he started ruminating about it again.

Cory went home and told his wife about the situation. She listened and validated his emotions. Cory felt better, but only for a few minutes. He started ruminating about the situation again. As he ruminated, he became angrier. After becoming angry, he told his wife about the situation again. Not in an attempt to resolve it, but in an attempt to temporally make the angry feelings subside.

Example of Connecting

Cory had a hard day at work. He was giving a presentation and his projector caught fire. As he was putting out the fire, he dumped coffee on his boss’s shirt. He was so flustered that he did a very poor job talking during the oral part of the presentation.

After work, Carl sat down at his desk and did some self-reflection. He took out a piece of paper and drew a line down the middle. On one side, he wrote down what was outside of his control. On the other side, he wrote down mistakes that he made and how he can prevent them in the future. He took some time to accept what happened and regulate his emotions.

After Carl returned home, his wife asked him about his day. Carl relayed all that happened to her. He felt close to her as he shared the intricate parts of his life. She felt close to him as she listened to him share his thoughts and emotions about the day.