Shaping

You might have a goal to become wealthy, to get out of debt, or to retire well. You might have a goal to lose weight, gain muscle, or become a healthy eater. Your goal might be to not yell anymore, or not get mad during a disagreement. Whatever your goal is, you’re probably reaching it through approximations. You are probably moving towards it, step by step, at little intervals at a time. Sometimes, you might take a step backwards, but then, you will yourself to move forward once again. Children operate the same way that you do. They make little approximations towards their goal, one step at a time.

When you are asking a child to grow, be careful not to require him to leap to the end, when little approximate steps will be more achievable. Just like you, your child will not enjoy failing over and over again, as they try to obtain a goal that is out of their reach. Just like you, your child will enjoy the feeling of success when they accomplish the approximations of their goal and they can experience themselves moving forward.

As your child makes approximations to the end goal, it is helpful to celebrate steps along the way. In this way your child will develop a habit of allowing themselves to notice and experience the joy of progress, as apposed to waiting for perfection before they experience success. Perfection is rarely obtained and those that wait to obtain it, before feeling proud of their progress, are not using feelings of success as self-motivation. Instead, they are often using self-deprecation and belittlement, to push themselves forward. Mindsets are hard to break. It will be easier for your child to grow up practicing a mindset of positively affirming their approximations, than to reach adulthood and have to retrain their mind after years of using self-deprecation to motivate themselves.

Poor Example:

Jimmy was very slow in the mornings getting to the car. His five-year-old body, just had a hard time moving in the morning. He liked Kindergarten and he enjoyed being at school, he just had a difficult time moving quickly to the car. At his current rate, it took him twenty minutes to put his shoes on, grab his backpack, and walk to the car.

His mother had adjusted their schedule so that Jimmy’s slow moving did not make anyone late, but she wanted him to move faster. Waiting by the car for twenty minutes, while Jimmy slowly moved, was unacceptable. She knew that Jimmy’s behavior had to change. In her head, she broke Jimmy’s movements down into sequences. She then pushed Jimmy to move faster by pointing out his errors that were causing him to be slower at each sequence. She gave Jimmy the end goal of needing to be in the car in 8 minutes, instead of twenty. She focused on that end goal and constantly reminded Jimmy that he wasn’t making it to the car in 8 minutes.  

Good Example:

Jimmy’s mother noticed that being critical of Jimmy was not helping him move faster. He was not responding well to the criticism. It was back firing on her a little. Instead of moving faster, Jimmy just became grumpier. It made for an irritating morning. That is when she decided to start praising approximated steps toward the desired speed. Jimmy loved attention, so she new that praise would be a sufficient reward for Jimmy.

In her mind, Jimmy’s mother broke down the entire routine into steps. Jimmy had three steps. He had to get his shoes on, grab his back pack, and walk to the car. She paid attention to the speed of Jimmy’s movements during each phase. If Jimmy moved a little faster than on previous days, she would praise his speed. If Jimmy moved a little slower than previous days, she would not only be silent, but she wouldn’t even pay attention. The difference in praise and an absence of attention, was distinguishable for Jimmy. For someone who loved attention, the absence of criticism and praise was noticeable. Sometimes Jimmy moved quickly in one phase, but slow in another. The quicker phase got attention and praise, the slower phase did not.

As Jimmy made progress toward his goal, his mother would adjust what she would praise and what she would not. Speed that was the same as or faster than previous times, got attention and praise. Speed that was slower than previous times, did not get noticed. In this way, Jimmy’s speed was constantly being praised for closer approximations to the goal of getting to the car in 8 minutes.