Compassion

 The Doctor

The doctor walked into the delivery room. The patient was obviously having a panic attack, as she sat on the bed with her feet in the stirrups. “Oh no,” the doctor thought. “Not one of these again.”

The doctor had recently attended a conference where he learned about how hard birthing could be on rape victims. He learned that when rape victims feel like they do not have control over a situation, they can emotionally feel like they are reliving rape. This problem can be compounded when they are in a situation where they are physically vulnerable, like being dressed in a hospital gown while you are visibly exposed to onlookers who are telling you what to do. The doctor scoffed at the women in his mind. He wasn’t the woman’s rapist. She was just being impractical. She needed to “get over it.”

During the birthing procedure, the doctor barked out his orders. He told the nurse what to do and when to do it. It was his job, after all. He was in charge.

The nurse didn’t mind doing what the doctor told her to do. This was the job of a nurse. What she didn’t like was that the doctor never seemed to be appreciative of her actions. As she worked, the nurse thought about her contributions. She was always punctual. Her bedside manner was great. She constantly studied and kept up on the latest research in gynecology. She always remembered her orders. She felt very unappreciated by the doctor. She noticed that when she worked for doctors that appreciated her work, she did the work because she loved it. This resulted in her feeling upbeat and happy. When she did the work for doctors that didn’t appreciate her, she did the work out of obligation and duty, which left her feeling exhausted and negative.

The doctor appreciated the nurse. She worked very hard and made his job easier. He never thanked her. The nurse was only doing what she was expected to do. In his mind, there was no reason to thank someone for doing something that was expected of them. His belief was that appreciation should only be given to people if they do more than what is expected.

After the baby was born, the doctor performed the physical exam and left the room. The patient was frazzled as she was handed her baby. She felt like she had been treated like a manikin. The doctor had moved with speed and precision, but he had completely left out any form of human kindness. He hadn’t asked her permission before he performed an episiotomy to prevent tearing. He hadn’t explained procedures as he pulled back the sheet, to examine her cervix. He simply moved her body around as if it didn’t have a soul.

The nurse smiled for the patient, but she was feeling frazzled as well. She had been operating at high speeds, trying to anticipate the doctor’s orders. She didn’t have time to interact with the patient. Her mind was very preoccupied with anticipation of what the doctor would say to her and how he might be critiquing her actions. Because he never complimented her, she never knew where she stood with him. The only time he spoke to her was to give an order or a critique. In her mind, she thought he didn’t like her.

In the end, the baby was delivered. All of the logistical actions were performed. The baby was physically healthy. The mother was going to physically heal. The doctor and the nurse performed the necessary actions required for them to get paid. Logistically, everything was fine. Emotionally, there was a lot missing.

Compassion

Tiffany always felt overwhelmed. It was difficult to raise three children, all under the age of nine, while working at a full-time job. She felt guilty for not being at home more with her children. When she finally did come home from work, she was so busy with cooking, cleaning, and laundry that she felt she never had time for her little kids.

Jacob thought Tiffany put too much worry into keeping the house clean and trying to make everything perfect. He reasoned that if she simply lowered her standards a little, she would have more time with the children and then she wouldn’t feel so guilty. Jacob tried to explain to Tiffany that she only needed to lighten up. This seemed to only anger her.

Tiffany recognized that she had a higher standard of cleanliness than Jacob. She knew that she didn’t have to have everything perfectly organized, but she just couldn’t feel relaxed until everything was cleaned up and put away. With four little children who needed constant care, Tiffany was never able to feel like she could get all of the work done. She always felt overwhelmed. Tiffany reasoned in her mind that if Jacob would just help out more, she could get more done. Her resentment towards Jacob grew and grew.

One day Jacob decided that it didn’t matter if he saw the world differently than Tiffany. What mattered was that Tiffany was in pain and he needed to have compassion on her. Jacob spent time studying Tiffany. He paid attention to what was going on around her when she became stressed. He listened to what she said she was overwhelmed about. He didn’t try to tell her how to see the world differently. Instead, he tried to understand her.

 Once Jacob understood what was causing Tiffany distress, he started taking care of the problems. Jacob stopped seeing himself as “I’m helping Tiffany with the house.” He started seeing himself as, “I take care of the house.” Jacob stopped telling Tiffany, “Just tell me what to do to help.” He started seeing himself as being an independent agent in the care of the little children and chores.

Compassion Logistics

It doesn’t matter if the emotional pain your spouse is feeling, is illogical to you, it still hurts. When something hurts emotionally, it triggers the same pain mechanisms that physical pain triggers (Heisz, 2022). If your spouse has a nail in their foot, you wouldn’t tell them that the nail doesn’t hurt you and therefore they do not need to pull it out.  You would help them remove the nail. The same phenomenon should occur with emotional pain. We need to understand what the pain is and then show compassion.

Showing compassion often looks like paying attention to what the other person is stressing about and then helping them with it. Examples of this could be doing chores, caring for children, or running errands.

It is very important that that acts of compassion are done out of love and not out of obligation. If someone is doing things out of obligation, they are often doing things out of the fear that their spouse will become angry, anxious, irritated, or disappointed in them for not doing the task. Doing tasks for these reasons fosters resentment. If we do things out of love, we are doing things because we enjoy demonstrating love to our spouse. This fosters endearment. Doing things out of love is energy building. Doing things out of obligation is energy depleting.

Compassion can be shown through physical touch. When we massage, cuddle, and hug our spouse, it shows that we care. When we hold their hands in public, it shows that we are proud of who our spouse is. When we offer kisses, it shows that we value our spouse.

Compassion can be demonstrated through empowering our spouse. We can tell our spouse how much we believe in them. We can support them in their dreams. We can build them up when they doubt themselves. We can encourage them when they are trying.

A person who is compassionate will be interested in their spouse. A part of showing compassion is being interested in knowing what the spouse thinks about their pastimes and hobbies. It is being concerned when our spouse is troubled. It is allowing our world to pause long enough to show interest in their world.