Measuring Stress

The Food Pantry Manager

The manager of the food pantry was an older woman who had raised five teenagers on her own. Her life had been very difficult. Her husband had died when her children were in middle school. She went to work, having not previously been employed, and set her sights on providing for her children. Her children struggled as teenagers. Some of them got into drugs. One of them had a baby before graduating high school. One of them was seriously abused by a friend’s stepfather during a sleepover. It was difficult raising the children, but she had managed. The children were now in their twenties and had achieved a modicum of stability. The manager was no longer needed at home, like she was in the past. This freed her up to help in the community. She asked her local church if she could volunteer, and the church put her in charge of the food pantry.

The manager loved helping out the community. She loved acquiring, organizing, and handing out the donations of food. What she loved more than anything was the people she helped. To her, the people were the most important commodity of the food pantry.

She knew from experience that people overcame hardship out of necessity. Growing is painful, and stress is a necessary catalyst that prompts us to grow. The people who came to her food pantry came from all walks of life. She wanted to help them grow, but she didn’t know which ones were overcoming challenges and which ones were avoiding them. She decided to devise a method of determining what level of stress people were actually experiencing.

The manager reasoned that food was a very important part of life. If someone didn’t have access to food, they would be willing to do almost anything to get it. On the other hand, if someone had access to the ability to acquire food, but they were avoiding the work needed to do so, they would ask for food, but they would not do any stressful prerequisites.

The manager knew that there were two retired certified public accountants in her congregation. She asked if they would be willing to volunteer to help people budget. The accountants agreed. The manager knew a couple of high-profile business executives in her church. She asked if they would be willing to coach people on how to write a resume, apply for jobs, and go through the interview process. They agreed. The manager knew her pastor was well acquainted with the needs of the community. She asked him to write down some simple service projects that are needed in the area. She also accessed the website justserve.org and wrote down community service organizations.

The manager then changed the structure of the food pantry. The food pantry patrons were more than welcome to have the food, but there were prerequisites first. They would be required to first meet with the volunteer CPA’s and go over their budget. The goal was not to find out who deserved the food and who didn’t. The goal was to help people grow. The CPA’s taught the patrons how to balance a personal budget. If the patron didn’t have any questions, no learning was required.

 If it was clear that their budget was never going to allow them to be self-sufficient, the patron was given the opportunity to meet with the volunteer business executives. These executives became long-term mentors to the patrons, as the patrons slowly worked towards bettering their financial position. The point was to help people access resources, so they could make their own decisions to better their lives.

All patrons were required to exchange volunteer hours for assistance. Some patrons were not physically or mentally capable of doing a lot of volunteer work, but they were still required to volunteer, even if it was in their own home. The volunteer hours were written down and turned in. The volunteer time did not pay for food. It paid for self-esteem. They needed to see themselves as capable change agents.

The manager reasoned that if people were actually hungry, they would do anything to overcome their current situation. They needed resources to help them do it, and she could help with that. If a person refused to fill out a budget or do community service, she assumed that the difficulty of the assignment was greater than the difficulty they were experiencing with food. She was not going to worry about them going hungry. She reasoned that the people were not overcoming stress, but rather avoiding it. She was not going to help people avoid stress. She didn’t serve food. She served people.

Measuring Stress in the Home

Judy’s live-in boyfriend, Tom, expressed a desire to work hard in his handyman business. He was a very talented handyman, and people admired his work very much. The problem was that he didn’t work very much. He was always coming up short on his truck and phone payments. Judy was always helping him make up the difference. Tom reported that he wanted to work, but he reported that his anxiety got in his way.

Tom was anxious about a number of things. He was anxious about talking to customers. He was anxious about returning phone calls. He was anxious about billing for his services. When Judy suggested that Tom work for someone else, he expressed that the thought of being an employee terrified him the most.

Judy had a dilemma. She didn’t want to be used and didn’t want to be unsupportive if Tom’s anxiety was debilitating. Judy didn’t know what to do. One day, Judy read that anxiety cannot be overcome by avoiding it. Anxiety only increases when stressors are avoided. This information was very useful for Judy. She realized that she can still be compassionate, while not enabling Tom.

Judy told Tom that she will no longer make up the difference if his phone or truck payments. Tom explained that he cannot work as a handyman without a truck, and he cannot return customer phone calls without a phone. Judy expressed that she believed in Tom’s ability to budget and earn money. She expressed that she believed in him more than he believed in himself. To prove it, she was no longer going to be his “financial safety net.”

At first, Tom didn’t change his behavior. Instead, he tried to guilt Judy into helping him. When Judy held her ground and did not make Tom’s payments, Tom angrily went to work. Initially, he was very angry at Judy. He told her that she was unsupportive and unempathetic. Judy would reply that she believed in Tom, even if Tom didn’t believe in himself. Judy refused to allow herself to feel guilt. She knew that it was emotionally beneficial for Tom to face his anxiety.

As time went on, Tom went to work more frequently. He made his truck and phone payment on time. He started saving money. He stopped trying to guilt-trip Judy. As it turned out, Tom just didn’t like to work. In time, Tom found a new girl who would support him financially, and he moved out of Judy’s home and into hers. Judy initially mourned the loss of Tom, but later became thankful that the other girl was willing to take on Tom’s financial liability.

The Logistics of Measuring Stress

It’s almost impossible to know through someone’s words how stressed they are about a particular topic or context. A person’s anxiety towards a problem can be judged by their actions. If a person says that something bothers them, but they do not have a motivation to try to solve it, it may be that they are not truly bothered by the problem.

People use emotional pain as currency. If a person can make the helper feel guilty or anxious on their behalf, then the helper will do anything to get rid of the emotions. They will be very motivated to do what is being asked of them, if only to make their emotions feel better. Oftentimes, people will claim that they are experiencing great emotional pain because they are influencing helpers to act on their behalf. Their words are often overexaggerated. The truth of how they are really feeling will be evident in the actions that they take.

Anxiety is hard to gauge. If it is too low, it isn’t motivating. If it is too high, it can cause people to freeze. If a helper is giving a task to the helpee, as a way of measuring motivation, it can be helpful for the helper to start the tasks out small. This way, the helpee will be less likely to freeze due to anxiety. The helper can always increase the difficulty of the tasks as the helpee grows in confidence and self-efficacy.