Selfishness

The Seminary Tutor

The seminary tutor met with his student. He loved to teach. He loved imparting his knowledge. He didn’t like to see people in pain. He didn’t like it when they struggled. The seminary tutor had a strong fear of failure. He would berate himself if a student didn’t understand the answer to a question. If a student got a bad grade, he felt like it was a reflection on him. If his student lost their belief in God, he felt like a failure. The tutor attached his emotional well-being to the student’s beliefs, choices, and success. The tutor was very hard on himself when the student made a poor choice. He would feel tremendous amounts of guilt and failure. The tutor began to avoid those feelings at all costs. He poured into his students in an attempt to avoid those feelings. Subsequently, the tutor became more motivated to avoid feelings than he was at helping his students. This became a problem.

When the student came to the seminary tutor to ask an existential life question, the tutor, fearing the student would get the answer wrong, told the student what to think. The student wasn’t required to ponder. The student didn’t have to exercise mental muscles. The student wasn’t required to examine epistemologies. The student didn’t challenge old beliefs or grow new ones. The student simply listened and left. The words of the tutor sank in only as deep as the topsoil of his mind. The mental ground was not required to be cultivated.

From time to time, students would come to the tutor to ask a doctrinal question. The tutor, fearing that the student would not find the correct scriptural verse, would give the “correct” verse to the student. The students did not learn how to do research. The students did not know how to examine or interpret scripture. The students did not learn how to cross-reference scriptures. The students did not know how to look up different interpretations and examine differing opinions. The students did not learn how to access information.

Sometimes students would come to the seminary tutor to ask his opinion about what God wanted for their lives. Fearing that the students would mistake their own impressions for God’s impressions, the seminary student would pray on behalf of the students. He would go to God in supplication. He would ponder and meditate on the question. He would research the scriptures to align his thoughts with God’s will. Then, when he felt peace about the answer, he would give the answer to the student. The student would have an answer. The student would not have an understanding about how to meditate, ponder, connect with God, pray, research, or question their own motivations.

One day, the seminary tutor read about Murray Bowen’s concept of “Differentiation of Self.” He read about it in “Managing Leadership Anxiety” by Steve Cuss. The seminary tutor learned that he was being a selfish person. He was helping his students so that he didn’t have to feel guilty. Yes, it was true that he wanted to see his students grow, but his primary motivation was to avoid undesirable emotions in himself. The seminary tutor decided to change his mindset to one of a growth mindset. He was going to approach his students with a desire to see them grow. If he noticed that he was acting out of self-preservation, he was going to stop and wait for those fears to pass before moving forward.

With a growth mindset in place, the seminary tutor noticed that he didn’t pressure his students to grow quickly. If they struggled to find answers, it was okay. The struggle was part of the growth process. If the student had difficulty differentiating his thoughts from God’s impressions, that was okay; it takes time to learn to hear God. If examining different points of doctrine and commentary initially brought more questions than answers, that was okay; it was part of the learning process. If the student didn’t know how to quiet their mind, ponder, and meditate, that’s okay; the first steps are necessary steps.

The students did not find immediate relief for their burning questions. They found that they had underdeveloped muscles that needed strengthening. They discovered that they needed the peace that came from quiet pondering, meditation, and connection to Deity. They needed this peace more than they needed immediate answers from their tutor. In doing research, they had to develop their own epistemology that was necessary to navigate not only the world of seminary but the world at large.

Selfishly Helping in the Home

Principal Jody sat down on the couch in her home. Her children and her husband sat in a semicircle in the room. It was Sunday evening, and they were coordinating for the upcoming week. As part of the coordination, they reviewed the calendar and discussed upcoming events. As the conversation continued, the dreaded topic of early rising came up. This topic always led to an argument, and Principal Jody could feel her back muscles tighten; she braced herself for another confrontation.

Jody was a new principal at the high school. She started the job abruptly after her boss was fired. Jody felt a lot of pressure to perform at the new job. She felt like all eyes were on her. She had a strong desire to perform well. Jody’s son, Eldon, was a good kid. He got good grades. He was on the school basketball team. He was kind to others. His teachers like him. As far as she was concerned, Eldon only had one flaw. He was always late for school. This tardiness always embarrassed Jody, but as the new principal, her emotions about his tardiness were especially raw.

As the conversation turned to tardiness, Jody tried to keep her voice steady. She explained to Eldon how embarrassed she was that her son didn’t show up to school on time. She explained her fears of scrutiny. She pleaded with Eldon to wake up when she asked. Eldon’s father seconded the persuasive rhetoric, and Eldon acknowledged a desire to do better.

The following morning, Eldon did not wake up to his alarm clock. His mother was outraged. She screamed at Eldon. She poured water on his face. Eldon screamed back. Principal Jody stormed out of the house and left to work by herself. Eldon’s father begrudgingly drove Eldon to school an hour later.

A month of conflict carried on in Principal Jody’s home, until one day Jody realized that she was being very selfish. Her focus was not on Eldon’s growth. Her focus was on preventing her own embarrassment. When Eldon was late, she felt like a bad mother, principal, and role model. These feelings were real, but she was at the center of all of them. When Jody thought about it, she realized that what she really wanted was for Eldon to grow. It really didn’t matter what others thought of her if it meant that Eldon didn’t grow as a person.

That night, Jody had a very different conversation with Eldon. When she talked with him, she kept Eldon’s growth at the center of her thoughts. She identified Eldon’s dilemma and asked his opinion about what would help him wake up on time. She asked him about what he believed. Eldon didn’t have a good idea about how to wake up on time. He had an idea, but it was superficial, and Jody knew it was destined to fail, but this time, Jody was okay with failure. Jody accepted Eldon’s proposal and asked him what consequence he would like her to implement if he failed to get to school on time. Eldon identified a consequence, and after a little negotiation, they agreed upon it.

The next week, saw Eldon repeatedly failing at getting to school on time and repeatedly failing at consequences. Since Eldon had decided upon an extra chore as a consequence, Jody enjoyed the benefits of a cleaner home. Jody was careful not to tie her self-worth to Eldon’s success. If other people tied her value to Eldon’s tardiness, that was an indication of their lack of understanding, not an indication of her value as a mother and school principal.

After a week of tardiness and extra chores, Eldon and Jody met again. They discussed a new plan of action for going to school on time. Jody asked Eldon to come up with the ideas. She helped him think out loud and process through probable outcomes to his decisions while at the same time, giving him space to think things through on his own. This time, Eldon decided on a more practical solution for going to school on time. Eldon identified a consequence for being late, and his mother agreed to enforce it should tardiness occur.

Eldon was eventually able to attend school on time. More importantly than that, he learned a valuable skill about self-monitoring that he was able to use his entire life. Jody also learned that her value, both at work and at home, was not tied to the success of others.

Selfishly Helping Logistics

Oftentimes, we are motivated to help out of selfishness. We want to better the lives of others, but when we examine our motivation, we are more motivated to help ourselves than we are to help the helpee. We are motivated to avoid emotional pain. We are motivated by attaching a false sense of self-worth to the decisions of others. This creates problems because it does not allow for the failure of those we are helping. Failure and pain are a necessary part of the learning process. Letting go of our selfish motivations allows us to allow others room to grow.