I write this article with the wisdom to know that saying what I would like to do and what I would actually do, once the chemicals of stress and fear set in, are two different things. I further acknowledge that there is not a “correct way” of preparing for an inevitable discovery of cheating. As a therapist, I have seen a lot of different approaches to the discovery process and I have had a lot of time to think about what I would do if I suspected my spouse of cheating. I decided to write those thoughts down here.
Stage One: Warning
I will start my “what if “scenario at the beginning, supposing that I have noticed that my spouse is spending more and more time talking to their friend at work and my spouse is adamant that she will not have an affair. At this point in the relationship, I would tell my wife that what she is doing is not a good idea and I would explain why. Then, I would leave her to her own decisions. After all, she has the freedom to make her own mistakes just like I do.
It is ludicrous to assume that her actions of cheating will have any reflection on me. We do not say, “If Jesus was only more perfect then Judas would not have betrayed Him.” We do not say, “That bank robber’s wife just didn’t give him enough attention.” We never hear about Adolf’s wife being blamed for the Jewish holocaust. We naturally know that our spouse’s actions and decisions belong to them.
It is an ignorant assumption to think that our relationship was traded off for something better. I use the word “ignorance” because unless a person understands how the human mind works, they may fall into this line of thinking by default. When it comes to relationships, the human mind is constantly being “brainwashed” into thinking that it is in love or it isn’t. We are constantly feeding the mind pieces of information. Send the mind several data points of negativity and the brain sees the relationship as negative. Send the mind several data points of positivity and the brain sees the relationship as positive. The mind is in constant flux. A relationship outside the marriage can be built, simply because that relationship had several positive data points that got imbedded into the brain. Sometimes the marriage relationship is receiving negative data at the same time the affair relationship is receiving positive data. Sometimes the marriage relationship is healthy and the affair relationship feels good at the same time. One relationship does not cause the other.
Stage Two: Emotional Affair
At this point, I’m fairly certain my spouse is having an emotional affair. She is showing the signs of oxytocin and dopamine being pumped into her at a high rate. She is lighter, happier, shifting her appearance, going to the gym, listening to new songs, and talking highly about her new friend. She is spending more time purposely tilting her phone screen away, texting more, and walking outside to take phone calls. If her affair partner is at work, she might change her attitude towards work. Whereas she used to get a Sunday night depression prior to going back, she now feels excited and renewed in her projects.
I’ve already given my warning, so I’m not going to keep giving it. I’m also not going to compete with the high level of oxytocin and dopamine that will course through her body every time she interacts with a new lover. I’m not going to try to outperform a chemical reaction and convince my spouse that I’m better. That’s for her to figure out.
I’m also not going to check up on her. I’m not going to follow her around. I’m not going to check her text messages. I’m not going to try to catch her in the act. That is all very exhausting and unnecessary. This is her stupidity, not mine. I’m not going to put any energy into her choices. Whatever I do, my primary goal will be to not suffer from her actions. This will not be done by preventing her actions. It will be done by minimizing the impact of her actions on my life.
During this stage, I will want to take care of myself. I will want to be doing rejuvenating activities. The brain is attached to the body so I will need to be taking care of my body. I will be exercising, eating healthy, and sleeping. I will also want to be doing spiritual rejuvenation. This means different things to different people, but the point is that the spirit needs to be cared for as well. An important part of this stage is fun. I want to be getting out and sprinkling a little bit of spice into my life. I like nature so I would take up hiking, kayaking, and camping.
Stage Three: Physical Affair
At this point in the affair process, my spouse is fully in the physical throws of the affair. She is also fully denying everything. She is wrapped up in selfish disregard. This is a deceitfully difficult stage to discern because an offending spouse has developed a way to behave normally at home and with the affair partner. The nonoffending spouse has a hunch that something is off, but cannot prove anything. This is why it’s best to not expend any energy into proving something. It’s really a waste of time and effort.
In this stage, I am going to wait and prepare. I want my mind to be as calm as possible during this stage. When people discover an affair, they do so because of intuition. I want my mind to be calm so I can hear the intuition. The stories go like this, “I was going throughout my day and something told me to check his iPad.” “I was at work and something told me to go home early.” “I got a feeling to check the bank account.” “I was cleaning the car, and I had a feeling to check the receipt.” These moments of intuition are not characterized by anxiety or frantically trying to put fear to sleep. These moments are characterized by a peaceful prompting. In this stage, I want to calmly wait for the peaceful prompting. I want to trust that it will come.
The prepare part in the stage is multifaceted. While taking care of myself physically, mentally, and spiritually, I also want to take care of my children. If/when divorce happens, my children will need to be self-sufficient. I will be emotionally exhausted during the divorce and less able to attend to them. I will also be a single parent will all of the income and chore responsibilities on my shoulders. I also do not know how functioning my wife will be as a single parent. I would want to involve the children in their favorite hobby, but not to the point of the family’s mental exhaustion. I would want to do it in a way that increases and doesn’t decrease wellness. I would want to help my children become emotionally and physically self-sufficient. They are going to need to increase their self-efficacy and internal locus of control. I will want to help them learn to how wake themselves up, prepare food for themselves, spiritually take care of themselves, have good hygiene, and know resources to use when solving problems.
I will also want to strengthen my social network. I cannot put all of my energy and time into the basket of my wife, because she may not be around for long. I need to decide what I want socially and how to start cultivating that.
In a divorce, assets and debt will be divided. My wife will know ahead of time if she is going to leave me for her lover. She is already actively betraying me, so it is safe to assume that she has it within herself to betray me monetarily as well. To protect myself, I need to make sure that my finances are in order. This is where I would be selfish. I would start saving cash money. Accounts will be discovered during trial, but cash money can be hidden. I would not save the cash to get a “one up” on my wife. I would save the money in the event that she drained the bank account prior to leaving. I would also start preparing for a single-income family. The family home will be sold, so I can downsize the mortgage. I will want to pay off my car. If her car has a loan, I won’t contest it in court. I will want to increase my income if it isn’t enough to sustain me as a single parent.
I will want to get rid of stuff. We accumulate a lot of stuff in our married years. It is a pain to go through it all during a divorce process. During this stage, I will want to slowly minimize and get rid of all things that I do not want to carry off in a U-haul and cram into a downsized apartment after a divorce. Minimizing helps declutter the mind so this will be refreshing.
Stage Three: Discovery
During this phase my wife will either immediately break off the affair and see herself in shame and sorrow, or she will waffle back and forth for a while between me and the affair partner. The back-and-forth waffling could take weeks or months. After doing this for a while, the scales fall off their eyes and they suddenly see the situation for what it is. This is when shame and sorrow come rushing in. At that point, they often see their affair partner with painful sadness or loathing.
My response in this stage will be dependent upon my wife. I’m not going to own her actions or her consequences. If she is justifying her actions or blaming me, this is a bad sign. It is a sign of an unrepentant person. If she has had multiple affairs with multiple people, it is a bad sign. It will likely happen again. If it is an affair with one person and my wife is focused on blaming herself, not me, then I would have a lot of hope for her. I would probably stay in the marriage if my wife was repentant and sorrowful for her actions. I would likely leave the marriage if my wife blamed me and/or justified her actions.