The mind works in probability. If the last few times I had a conversation with my spouse and the conversation resulted in an argument, my mind would naturally assume that the next conversation would also result in an argument. If the last few times I talked to my spouse I was critical, then my spouse will assume that I will be critical again. She will assign a negative connotation to my neutral body language, texts, and words.
It is easy to assume that if couples say one neutral statement and one positive statement then the two statements will cancel each other out and the mind will recognize neutral statements as neutral. John Gottman (1999) discovered that happy couples have a ratio of five positive interactions to every one negative.
Until a couple experiences significantly more positive interactions than negative, the spouse will assume negative intent. The mind will interpret most of the intentional negatives plus all the unintentional negatives as negative. This phenomenon results in one person being irritable before even talking to the other person, simply because the expectation will be that the conversation will be negative. When the body anticipates a problem, it will turn on the sympathetic nervous system. This system will facilitate anxiety and anger.
After multiple interactions that have resulted in hurt feelings, both people in a relationship will likely be approaching each interaction with the anticipation of being hurt. Both people will be experiencing anxiety or irritability before they read a text or hear a word. Both people will interpret the message based on their current physiological state. Both people will react to the other person’s reaction. The reaction will reconfirm that the probability of things going poorly is very high. This will set up the couple for another round of failed conversations.
If a person has experienced a previously abusive relationship, then that intense experience will also taint the perception of neutral statements. In these instances, it is helpful to approach the situation with physically calm presence and a calm voice. An analogy to this would be adopting an animal that had been previously abused. You would expect that animal to be very sensitive to aggressive tones, tense body language, and heightened emotions. The animal’s response is physiological. The animal is recoiling in instinct. The same thing will happen with a human being. A spouse that has been through a lot of trauma will respond well to a physical presence that exudes a sense of calm. The same spouse will have a poor physiological reaction to heightened emotions, even if their brain is telling them otherwise. This issue will not be resolved with logic. You will not likely be able to tell the body to respond differently. The issue can be resolved with tenderness.
This problem will also intensify if one person is abusive to themself and constantly puts themself down or compares their current state to an unreasonable ideal. If a spouse is spending the day tearing themselves down and then hears a small critique, they will respond with the accumulative emotional effect of the combined negativity. If a spouse is constantly comparing their current state to an abstract ideal that cannot be reached, and that spouse hears a critique, then the spouse will also respond with emotions that have accumulated through self-critique coupled with your comment. In these cases, it is best to not criticize. They are already criticizing themselves. Adding to it is only going to make things worse. There are other approaches that have good results and do not require criticism. This book will discuss some of those approaches.